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9 Ways to Establish Sexual Norms for Your Children Before the World Does

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As a parent, you are in a race against the culture to establish what is “normal” in the area of sexual behaviors and attitudes. The sexual revolution has lowered the age at which children are exposed to sexual activity. Young children are shown homosexual marriages through children’s television shows. Kindergarten classes celebrate reveal parties for transgendered 5-year-olds. Parents cannot afford to wait. If the culture establishes a secular sexual ethic early on, then a biblical sexual ethic will seem odd and out of place. However, the converse is also true.

How can parents win this race? Below are nine practical ways parents can teach their children God’s design for sex and sexuality.

1. Celebrate God’s good design early and often

Parents should teach about sexuality in an appropriate manner for each stage of childhood. As soon as children begin learning about the body, parents should begin teaching why God made each body part. This creates an open dialogue about their growing and changing bodies. As you do this, be sure to use literal instead of abstract language. Call body parts what they are, and avoid terms like “the birds and the bees.” Also, remember that one “talk” is not sufficient. Keep a running dialogue for as long as they are in your home.

2. Seize every opportunity

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Certain situations contribute toward serious discussions about sexuality. Tucking children into bed is a great opportunity to read books that teach God’s purposes for our bodies (e.g. Justin and Lindsey Holcomb’s “God Made All of Me”.) Driving with kids in the car provides parents a captive audience for posing thought-provoking questions. When you read a fairytale about the prince and princess getting married, ask children what they think marriage means and why God designed it. When you see an image of a person dressed immodestly in a commercial, begin a conversation about modesty and God’s good design for our bodies. Be on the lookout for opportunities to ask questions and spark conversations.

3. Create an “ask anything” culture

For some, sex or sexuality feels like a taboo topic. This is a result of the fall (Gen. 3) when Adam and Eve covered themselves in shame. Fight the tendency to ignore difficult topics and questions. Creating an “ask anything” environment when children are young will foster an open dialogue into the teenage years. Do we really want pre-teens googling terms they hear because they’re embarrassed to ask their parents? Even young children who can’t type know how to use voice assistants for internet searches. An open and “ask anything” environment helps prevent your children from turning to dangerous sources for answers.

4. Keep God’s plan at the center

Many parents give their children a list of “do’s and don’t’s” instead of focusing on God’s plan and purpose in creating us male and female. Teach your children how sex and procreation reflect God’s image in us. Teach how the complementary roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives reflect the complementarian nature of the Trinity. Without God as the centerpiece of the conversation, our children won’t grasp the reasons why homosexuality, premarital sex, pornography, and every other distortion of biblical sexuality are outside of God’s plan for our good and his glory.

5. Focus on the truth, so the lie is easily discernible

It can be overwhelming for parents to address all the different aspects of sex, sexuality, gender, and marriage. We can’t keep up with the rapidly changing sexual culture to which our kids are exposed. But we can follow the example of Jesus in Matthew 19. Jesus didn’t address every distortion of the truth; he simply taught the truth. He established the boundaries of God’s plan so that we would be able to recognize that everything outside of that boundary is outside of God’s plan.

6. Teach children to embrace every person, without embracing every lifestyle

Once again, we should follow the example of Jesus, who loved sinners without affirming their sin. If children are able to recognize God’s love for them in their own sin, they can understand how to love someone who struggles with different sins than they do. Be an example, by the kindness you show to the transgendered grocery clerk or the homosexual couple you meet, followed by a teaching conversation with your child.

7. Protect children from themselves

Part of our responsibility as parents is to protect our children from themselves. The internet access in our homes and the screens our children view are our responsibility to manage. Establish clear guidelines for usage. Some possible guidelines include forbidding screens in bedrooms, shutting Wi-Fi off at 9 p.m., sharing usernames and passwords, allowing parents to read text messages, etc. This is not an invasion of privacy; this is good parenting.

8. Lead by example

If we set internet usage rules for our children, we should be willing to abide by those rules ourselves. In doing so, we’ll be modeling obedience as well as protecting ourselves. It’s hypocritical to guard our child [against] the dangers of pornography while exposing ourselves to the same temptation. Another way to set a good example of celebrating God’s design in sexuality is to show appropriate measures of affection to your spouse. Let’s let our children see a demonstration of God’s good plan.

9. Rely on grace

If you feel as though you are losing the race against culture, do not despair. Grace is abundantly available for the parent who has neglected his or her duty. Grace is also abundantly available for the child who has already stumbled in this area. Grace wins where we have lost.

God has entrusted us to parent these precious children. We can’t allow our fallen world to teach them what is “normal.” Let’s set our eyes on Jesus and run the race with urgency and endurance.

**This article originally appeared on the Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission website

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Read more: https://faithit.com/9-ways-to-establish-sexual-norms-for-your-children-before-the-world-does-jd-thorne/

Sam Smith& Brandon Flynn Make It Official On Instagram!

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When it’s on the ‘gram, you know things are getting serious!

Recently, Brandon Flynn shared the( above) photo on

The 13 Reasons Why wizard contributed the caption 😛 TAGEND

“Rare sighting in London “

As we reported in October, the Stay With Me singer told Ellen DeGeneres he is taken and “quite happy” with his relationship!

Get it, you two!

[ Image via Brandon Flynn/ Instagram .]

J.D. Salinger’s Family To Publish Trove Of Secret Works, The Guardian Reports

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The family of writer J.D. Salinger plans to publish a wealth of secret works he created over the last half century of his life, his son told The Guardian in an interview published Monday.

“This was somebody who was writing for 50 years without publishing, so that’s a lot of material,” Matt Salinger told the newspaper. He said he and Salinger’s widow, Colleen O’Neill, are “going as fast as we freaking can” to get it ready for publication. But he warned that it could take years — hopefully less than a decade — to publish everything the reclusive author left behind after his death in 2010. But Matt Salinger vowed: “All of what he wrote will at some point be shared.”

He said his dad “wanted me to pull it together, and because of the scope of the job, he knew it would take a long time.”

The author of the painful coming-of-age novel “Catcher in the Rye” and creator of the ultimate angry-young-man protagonist Holden Caulfield “teemed with ideas and thoughts,” said his son. “He’d be driving the car and pull over to write something and laugh,” and he had a notebook next to every chair in his isolated New Hampshire home, Matt said.

The last of Salinger’s modest body of published work was the short story “Hapworth 16, 1924” that appeared in The New Yorker in 1965 when Salinger was 46.

His son didn’t reveal details about the unpublished fiction. But The Guardian noted that it “appears likely” there will be more about the quirky brainiac Glass family of the Upper West Side of Manhattan, who peopled many of Salinger’s published stories. 

Matt Salinger predicted the works will be “tremendously well received” by devoted readers.

“They will be affected in the way every reader hopes to be affected when they open a book,” he promised. “Not changed, necessarily, but something rubs off that can lead to change. When my father said that everything he has to say is in his fiction, believe it ― it’s there.”

Read more: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/jd-salinger-secret-writings-published_us_5c58fff0e4b09293b2078d6f

Celtics’ Isaiah Thomas plays through heartache to beat Officers: ‘Mentally I’m not here’

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Isaiah Thomas says he is playing through heartbreak after the deaths among his sister, outlining fortitude from the rest of the Boston Celtics

Isaiah Thomas says he is playing through grief after the deaths among his sister, outlining fortitude from the rest of the Boston Celtics. Thomas tallied 33 items, and the Celtics trounced the Bulls 104 -9 5 on Sunday to level their first-round playoff succession at 2-2.

Mentally and emotionally, Im not here so I simply feed off what the guys give me, Thomas said. They give me a lot of confidence. I cant do it without those people. They believe in me and being here is what obligates me feel sane and somewhat normal through these tough times.

Thomass younger sister Chyna was killed in a one-car gate-crash in their home regime of Washington exactly over a week ago. He spent experience with their own families in Tacoma between recreations in Boston and Chicago.

With Game 4 at a critical juncture, the All-Star guard provisioned a huge lift for his crew. Thomas keyed a third-quarter run after the Bulls wiped out a 20 -point deficit and briefly departed ahead, helping top-seeded Boston return the kindnes in Chicago after drooping the first two games at home.

Gerald Green reached four three-pointers on his space to 18 extents. Al Horford included 15 objects and 12 backlashes, and the Celtics gathered even in a series that was in danger of becoming a rout. Game 5 is on Wednesday in Boston.

Jimmy Butler carried the Bulls with 33 parts and nine expedites. Nikola Mirotic and seldom-used Isaiah Canaan each tallied 13 parts, but Dwyane Wade finished with exactly 11.

Canaan obliged his first appearance since 10 April, with Bulls coach Fred Hoiberg searching for help at part lookout with Rajon Rondo missing his second straight play because of a separated claim thumb.

Just like last-place recreation, we were employing a lot of energy only to come back, Wade said. Better starts here at home couldve did us a little right. I thought they did a great job of putting with their game plan, stimulating tough films offensively.

The Celtics led by 20 during the second quarter and were still up 10 in the third when Chicago tallied 12 straight-shooting. The Bulls extended onward 65 -6 3 on Robin Lopezs hook shot with 4:35 left in the quarter.

Thomas answered with back-to-back layups and tallied 10 qualities in a 12 -0 extend that imparted the Celtics a 75 -6 5 leading, and they braved a move by the Bulls early in the fourth.

Hoiberg praised Thomas as an incredible opponent and a warrior. But he also insisted the picket is getting away with carrying the ball.

When youre allowed to discontinue your dribble on every belonging hes hopeless to guard, Hoiberg said. When youre being allowed to put your hand underneath the ball and take two or three steps and make it back down, its impossible to patrol him in those situations.

Thomas concurred he is just about hopeless to protect, saying not one person can guard me. For that, he credited his team-mates and tutors for putting him in position to succeed.

As for Hoibergs comment? Thats not the reason why Im hopeless to coating, Thomas said. Ive been dribbling that style my whole life.

Why the UFC’s ‘sportswashing’ of Chechnya’s dictator is a problem

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The presence of Ramzan Kadyrov in the front sequence of a UFC show foreground a disturbing is connected with the Chechen strongman and the MMA promotion

On Saturday 15 September, Ramzan Kadyrov marched into Moscow’s Olimpiyskiy Stadium to watch the evening’s fights. Dressed in beige jeans and a grey t-shirt with a pairing case, the notorious Chechen strongman was surrounded by three of his most loyal cronies– one of whom has been accused of torture and another of planning an assassination– as he made his behavior to the front row of the 35,000 -capacity arena. Seated only a few feet away from the enclosure, Kadyrov and his friends watched the evening’s campaigns in an entirely new install. Though used to attending mixed martial arts occurrences on a near-weekly basis in his native Chechnya, this was the first time that Kadyrov was present at a Ultimate Fighting Championship show.

Given Kadyrov’s well-documented human rights abuses- the most recent of which includes a deadly crackdown on LGBTQ+ beings within Chechnya ensuing in torture and summary executions – his spirit in the front sequence of a UFC event highlightings a concerning is connected with the authoritarian and the world’s largest MMA promotion.

Kadyrov’s decision to attend the UFC’s first ever show in Moscow is due to the presence of Magomed Ankhalaev, a UFC light heavyweight expectation from Dagestan who represents Kadyrov through the dictator’s oppose club, Akhmat MMA. That night, Ankalaev defeated Marcin Prachnio by head-kick knockout in the opening round. During his post-fight interrogation in the octagon, Ankalaev thanked Kadyrov for his support and finished off with Kadyrov’s now-infamous mottoes “Akhmat Sila”( Akhmat Power ).

Founded in 2015, the Akhmat MMA engage fraternity consists of an MMA promotion and several civilize facilities throughout Chechnya and various other post-Soviet nations. The push sorority is sponsored by Kadyrov himself through his government’s budget and permits the refer of Kadyrov’s father, Akhmad Kadyrov. Fighters who are signed to the fight club’s official roster are paid monthly stipends that cover medical overheads, exercise expenditures, and jaunt fees. Depending on the level of success reached, fighters are also gifted with expensive gondolas and other obtrusive goods.

The Akhmat MMA fight association is operated by Abuzayed Vismuradov, a colonel considered to be one of the most powerful soldiers in Chechnya. Known by his nom de guerre’ Patriot ‘, Vismuradov formerly crusaded in the Chechen wars against Russia alongside Kadyrov himself, before being hoisted to commander of the Chechnya’s Special Forces, the’ Terek’ Chechen SWAT unit, as well as Kadyrov’s private security detail. Kadyrov’s decision to place one of his most influential defence figures in charge of his MMA promotion and fight team suggests that the Akhmat fight club is likely an extension of Kadyrov’s own government.

Through Kadyrov’s patronage and carry, the Akhmat fight club has risen to become one of the largest MMA training facilities and publicities within the Russian Federation. The campaign club has signed various remarkable boxers from other MMA organizations and has situated its promotional might and natural resources behind them. Five of these campaigns have moved on to sign with the UFC: Magomed Bibulatov, Abdul-Kerim Edilov, Ruslan Magomedov, Said Nurmagomedov, and Magomed Ankalaev. Four of those boxers remain under contract with the UFC, despite the undeniable link between them and Kadyrov, while Edilov- who reportedly warned an HBO journalist in Chechnya– was reportedly liberated from his UFC contract in August 2018.

Other UFC campaigns have established relationships with Kadyrov. For sample, in 2015 former UFC heavyweight champion Fabricio Werdum signed a” lucrative” cope to become an ambassador for Kadyrov’s Akhmat MMA campaigned society. He, more, was gifted an expensive gondola for his services to the dictator, though has since deleted the video of the car from social media.

Ramzan
Kadyrov’s photo-op with Mohamed Salah during the 2018 World Cup was criticized by Amnesty International as” pure sportswashing “. Photograph: Karim Jaafar/ AFP/ Getty Images

Like numerous strongmen before him, Kadyrov utilizes plays to deepen his faith of identity and bolster his honour as a gracious leader who enjoys boasts. Following the conclusion of its Second Chechen War in 2000, the Kremlin reached an agreement with Chechnya that imparted the republic increased financing support and resources in exchange for its complete loyalty to the Russian Federation. When Kadyrov rose to strength seven years later, he took reign of a semi-autonomous republic ripe for change into his own personal fiefdom. As a result of Chechnya’s deal with the Kremlin, as well as Russian president Vladimir Putin’s continued support, Kadyrov has ruled over his people with an iron fist. He has also been able to use athletics like MMA and soccer to further cement his reign.

For example, during the 2018 World cup finals, which took place in various cities across Russia, Kadyrov hosted the Egyptian national crew and posed with idol striker Mohamed Salah in front of a large audience at the Akhmat stadium. While Kadyrov accompanied the photo-op as a chance to rub shoulders with arguably the more popular Muslim athlete in the world, the information was criticised by Amnesty International as” pure sportswashing “.

This was not the first time that Kadyrov paraded around with fames and remarkable contestants. The strongman hosted the likes of Floyd Mayweather, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Hillary Swank, Ronaldinho and innumerable UFC soldiers such as former champs Frankie Edgar, Frank Mir, Chris Weidman, Alexander Gustafsson and current UFC lightweight champ Khabib Nurmagomedov. By affiliating with famed personalities and boxers, Kadyrov is able to enhance his personal likenes as the realization of Chechen principles and masculinity. This use of soft ability helps maintain his stranglehold over Chechnya and distract from the crimes committed by his regime.

While the UFC is aware of the controversy smothering the Chechen dictator and the UFC fighters who represent him, the publicity has chosen to remain silent regarding this potential public relations nightmare. As of the time of reporting, the UFC has not responded to the Guardian’s request for mention. It should also be noted that the only season that the UFC publicly addressed the concern that some of their fighters were spousing with a wicked oppressor was in 2015, shortly after Werdum admitted his character as the distinguished ambassador for the Akhmat MMA crusaded club.

” It is important to note that UFC boxers operate as independent business partners , not hires, and that subject to their contractual commitments to UFC they are free to conduct business and sitting in works as they choose ,” the UFC said in a statement to Sports on Earth.” We do expect, nonetheless, all boxers to be mindful that their actions manifest well on themselves, the athletic and the UFC making .”

According to a source close to the episode, Kadyrov and his suite entered the arena with valid tickets. However, while the resources went on to add that the advertising undertake included security measures to ensure the safety of those present in the arena, the UFC’s continued silence on their indirect association to Kadyrov is troubling.

This Dreamy Vacay Will Tell You If Youre With Your Forever Person

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This Dreamy Vacay Will Tell You If You’re With Your Forever Person

There are a lot of “could’ve beens” in my dating life. My family still relishes memories of all the unsuspecting men I brought home for the holidays—the Serbian mathematician, the tortured yet ridiculously talented painter from Yale (which my siblings pronounced a sing-songy “Yaaaaaaaaale”), the Japanese cyclist 10 years my senior I met in Central Park (my sister served sushi to make him feel at home, to which my mother said, “I don’t eat raw fish!”) and the one they never met at all—he seemed to bail whenever my parents came to town. Ah, the long, winding, arduous, (did I mention long?) road to finding my Forever Person.

And while visits home can be an excellent way to test your love’s longevity, a laze-away beach vacation makes for another great, no-fail litmus test. So, if Thanksgiving with the family went well, it’s time to take the next step: the post-holiday beach getaway.

Located in Southwest Florida, The Beaches of Fort Myers & Sanibel is a refreshingly down-to-earth area known for pristine, white-sand shores lined with throngs of seashells washing up from the calming Gulf waters. The vibrant dining and nightlife and historical spots make for the perfect starter couples destination. Here are some questions to ask yourself as you soak it all up together.

Romance, sun, sand and cocktails—what else do you need?

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Do we have the same planning patterns?

More than a car ride away but less than a passport-and-visas trek, Southwest Florida requires only enough planning to stoke your excitement for your trip–one reason my husband and I have visited annually for years. You’ll have to agree on dates (December to April is peak escape-the-cold season, chock-full of serene, Instagram-worthy beach days) and a car rental, plus someone has to step up to actually buy the tickets. The biggest test, though? Where to stay. With the area’s array of lodging—Fort Myers Beach’s cozy cottages, Sanibel Island’s beachfront condos and the River District’s hotels—you’ll have to agree on what type of accommodations are ideal for the two of you.

Can we relax…in tandem?

The Beaches of Fort Myers & Sanibel have a notably laidback, island-esque culture, with no bling-bling lights to distract you from your relationship. It’s all about nature in this haven of eco-friendly beauty—Sanibel’s northern half, for example, is nearly entirely protected by the 6,400-acre J.N. “Ding” Darling National Wildlife Refuge. Without all the chaos and noise, you’ll have to fill the silence (or revel in it), which means you’ll see how you are at that whole “alone-together” thing.

How do we get excited about exploring?

From paddle-boarding to kayaking the Great Calusa Blueway or Caloosahatchee River to cycling Sanibel’s 25 miles of bike paths, The Beaches of Fort Myers & Sanibel offer so many outdoor activities to enjoy together—it’s choosing that’s actually the hard part. And while, for example, I could spend hours marveling at the beautiful birds, I need a somebody who can remind me that there’s way more to see, too, like the history-packed Edison and Ford Winter Estates. Finding that ~balance~ is what it’s all about!

Are our appetites in agreement?

Knowing whether you share the same definition of “delicious” is key, and with so many dining experiences on offer in Fort Myers and Sanibel, you’ll have loads of opportunities to find out. Both casual and big-night restaurants often have a water view, so you can savor the Gulf Coast’s gentle breeze and stunning sunsets along with your meal. From tapas to seafood (don’t miss the gulf shrimp!), you’ll find enticing options for every kind of eater here.

Does our spontaneity sync?

Even if you’re both planners, a fair amount of free time is key to a relaxing vacay. What will you do with it? Some ideas: stroll the beaches searching for seashells, watch the game at Doc Ford’s Rum Bar and Grille, a waterfront beach bar, or sample beers at Fort Myers Brewing Company. Whichever way you go, remember that figuring out how to fill open days is key—and so, of course, is compromise!

Can we nerd out together?

We all have our *things* that we love, just because. For me, it’s the beauty of a statuesque lighthouse—and Sanibel delivers. Built in 1884, the towering Sanibel Island Lighthouse boasts unusual architecture, a boardwalk through marshes and a beach perfect for wading. It makes a sweet spot for romantics. But if only one of you wants to go see this piece of nautical history, the question is—will the other indulge? When my then-boyfriend grew to appreciate my love of these beacons, surprising me by driving up to one during a trip to Maine, I knew our relationship had promise. Spoiler alert: I married him.

Do our love languages match?

For the pièce de résistance, hit Lovers Key State Park. The particularly secluded and idyllic 2-mile stretch of beach is perfect for a leisurely beach walk hand in hand; time it so you finish up just in time to soak in the beautiful sunset with a blanket and some drinks and cheese. If your heart is on fire, you may just find yourself back on Sanibel getting hitched one day, like my brother and sister-in-law did (and, FYI, they’re still going strong 10 years on).

Image credits: The Beaches of Fort Myers & Sanibel

Read more: https://thoughtcatalog.com/julie-andrews/2018/12/this-dreamy-vacay-will-tell-you-if-youre-with-your-forever-person

Nick Jonas Declined His “Find You” Music Video& We’re All Freaking Out

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OMG, you guys. Today is already a great period. Nick Jonas’ “Find You” music video is eventually here, and it’s genuinely, really good. Nick Jonas, the international humanity of sexy, is always surprising us with brand new music, and this time it’s something totally, utterly stylish. Jonas’ brand-new song, “Find You, ” is the sort of soothing chant to get you in the mood to dance on the beach with a knot of attractive strangers. Jonas does that in the music video, and it is truly stimulating for me. Can I do that? Is that what a beach day with Jonas is like? If so, sign me up.

Jonas fell “Find You” on Sept. 14, 2017, and the whole world started bobbing their premiers. We know where to find you, Nick Jonas. You can find him on the radio until forever because this song is catchy AF, y’all. So what does this music video certainly mean? Who is it about, and why is he driving an expensive car so close to the irrigate? Watch out, dude! One of the texts says, “I look for you in the center of the sun.” I have no clue what that could entail, but do not examination directly at the sunbathe, parties. It’s not worth it to simply find a mystery girl that prevents obscuring from you. No way.

This is Jonas’ second song to come out the summer months, and we aren’t mad about it. The psalm, “Remember I Told You” was the catchy motif released after May. It boasted Mike Posner and Anne Marie, and it showcased Jonas’ sultry voice. Mama like. Both songs are completely different, but the two are sensual.

One thing is for certain, Jonas knows how to connect with his fans. In October of 2016, he told

Heartbreak is a theme that a lot of beings relate to — the problems in the next steps in their own lives, and when some doors close, and how you approach the next ones opening … I discovered pretty quickly that it was a lot of what my love could relate to. It’s nerve-wracking when[ the feelings] are as personal as the ones that I shared were. But I feel relieved when I use my writing as a method to process — it’s extremely therapeutic.

Jonas is getting deep, and I like it.

Here are more lyrics to deeply analyze 😛 TAGEND

I took a capsule but it didn’t facilitate me numb
I see your face even when my seeings are shut
But I never actually know where to encounter you

I taste the words that keep falling out your mouth
If I could love you I would never put you down
But I never genuinely know where to detect you

Where to find you
Where to find you
But I never certainly know where to spot you
Try, try, try
Try, try, try
Try, try, try
But I never genuinely know exactly where to catch you

I’m guessing, on the basis of the music video, Jonas is stumbling through a sweltering, steamy desert all alone, and finally discovers the beautiful California coast. Although one would assume the first stop “wouldve been” immediately into the giant body of water, Jonas instead jigs with all the beautiful women on the beach. Hey, we all have our priorities. Is he looking for that special maiden “hes lost” long ago? Is he searching for himself? Oh, Jonas. You are a mysterious man.

At the end of the video, Jonas climbs into a Lyft on the beach and leaves. Yes, he gets into a freakin’ Lyft. I couldn’t believe it either, but it happened. Does that have signify, or is it cunning produce placement? Probably a little bit of both, honestly. Although Jonas never seems to find who he’s looking for, the music video is a delicious treat.

Now, let’s all get out there and totter our hips to this sexy little song and find our inner hop! Afterall, we’re all looking for something.

Check out the entire Gen Why sequence and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV .

Parents of Tennessee man, 22, allegedly killed by illegal immigrant strive stronger border protection

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Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 9 Recap Betches

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What up witches and Wehoes, how’s everybody doing? (Honestly I can’t believe I’ve never used that intro before, it is genius.) I hope we’re all recovered from our Super Bowl hangovers and working on our summer bodies. Just kidding about that last thing. Who can think about your summer body when you’re still 75% buffalo chicken dip? Not I. Anywho, honestly at this point I write these recaps for myself, because each week I like black out in between Tuesday and Monday night and I have no idea what went on the last time I did this. *Skims my own recap; laughs at my own jokes* Oh right, TomTom started to come together, Scheana had a house warming, and Ariana and Lala confessed to the drunken hookup heard ‘round the world. Oh, and there was the world’s worst apology: “Raquel, I’m sorry I called you a twat. You’re welcome.” Never forget.

Speaking of sh*tty bars, which we weren’t but now we are, we open at TomTom where they are throwing a party despite not having water, electricity, or lights. Good idea to throw a party when your guests can’t even go to the bathroom!

Anyway, Giggy is me today:

I’m gonna need proof of life for Giggy tho.

In the car, Sandoval starts listing to Ariana all the stuff he has to do. *Spongebob voice* three hours later…

Sandoval: And we have to get the uniforms, and I have to make sure the garnishes are on point…

And so on and so forth until the closing credits roll.

Elsewhere, James is writing a letter to Randall to apologize. Here’s actual footage of this apology:

James: Randall, I don’t hate you because you’re fat, you’re fat because I hate you.

Raquel doesn’t want James and Lala to be friends because she doesn’t like Lala. Fair enough, given that James is low-key obsessed with her. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend hanging out with the girl he was in love with, and for whom I was just a stand-in, either.

Schwartz comes over because James is DJing at the Daily Mail party. He is like, “I’m not gonna tell you what to do, I’m not a regular boss, I’m a cool boss.

It’s Tuesday again… I guess we only film on Tuesdays now… and Raquel is thinking of going to Girls Night. James flips a sh*t and leaves the room to go cry. IDK there’s something kind of funny about him getting angry and acting all tough and then coming back with his eyes all puffy and red. Like, “No I wasn’t crying bro there was just something in my eyes!!”

LOL at Schwartz being like, “James you’re a phenomenal DJ but you’re not a phenomenal drinker.” Ok YES, but also, none of you guys are phenomenal drinkers! You’re all barely functioning alcoholics.

Lala and Scheana go meet somewhere for coffee and Scheana can not even keep it in her pants when ordering a damn coffee from the barista. She is hitting on this man aggressively. Somebody get her a Gatorade.

Scheana immediately after sitting down: Wait what? Nobody told you? That’s so weird, I can’t believe that because everyone is talking about it.
Lala, internally: Bitch just spit it out.
Scheana: Adam and I had sex!

Actual footage of Scheana telling the world she had sex with Adam one time: 

I love that Lala tried to diplomatically tell Scheana to shut the f*ck up about her guy du jour. I think she actually did a very good job of telling her nicely. However, I hated that Lala spent 5 minutes talking about all the different terms she has for “private jet”. WE GET IT. YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS MONEY.

Girls Night looks lit. It’s Jax’s birthday and he’s 39 and that fact will never cease to depress me.

Guys, remember when this happened at James’ house?

James: You’re gonna go tell everybody I flipped out.
Schwartz: Nah dude I’m not gonna do that.

*Fast-forward noise to right now*

Schwartz: You guys wouldn’t believe it, James was flipping out and calling you all whores and was pissed about you guys stealing his night.

I guess on this show, nothing is sacred, not even your momentary freak-outs in the comfort of your own home. These people are f*cking cold.

Lisa shows up to Girls Night to give the Toms a terms agreement to sign. Wait so you guys have done all this work and there hasn’t even been a formal agreement?

Lisa: I would prefer to just have a 5% deal and a handshake

Oh so you mean a situation in which it’s the Toms’ word against yours? That’s not at all iffy.

Ok, not gonna lie, I kind of respect Lala taking a private jet for a two-hour drive. It’s like when I take an Uber for a mile walk. 

Brittany and Jax are talking about their sham marriage or whatever, and I just had this thought. If Jax Taylor got engaged at 39, does that mean I need to adjust my dating app settings to 40 and up? Sh*t, I think I might. BLEAK.

Anyway, Jax’s sister calls to wish him a happy birthday.

Brittany: Haaah Jenn-ayyyy!

Guys sorry but like I couldn’t not. This is the new rawt in hail! 

So apparently Jax’s relationship with his mom is extremely strained. She used to call him to tell him the story of his birth every year on his birthday (weird flex, but ok) but this year Jax just got a “happy birthday” text. Damn, I get more emotion out of guys I’m hooking up with but who don’t actually care if I live or die. Way harsh, mom.

TomTom is a mess. The ice machine isn’t working, the AC is broken, the signature clock doesn’t even work, one of the toilets doesn’t have a seat.

At this point there’s only one man who could fix this:

Andy

Lisa has to pull the guys aside to be like “look don’t invite all your friends to the Daily Mail party.” How much do you want to bet that Kristen is going to show up and crash this? I’d bet my 401K… oh wait nvm Schwartz invited her. Honestly kind of a smart move considering she would take a lack of invite as a challenge. Except Lisa wants Schwartz to un-invite her. *grabs popcorn*

Lisa: There are certain things you leave at home and one of those is Kristen Doute.

Nobdody puts Kristen Doute in a corner. And by in a corner I mean her home when a party is going on that her friends are invited to.

Stassi’s getting ready for the party at TomTom and Beau is steaming her jumpsuit. Get you a man like Beau.

Meanwhile, at Kristen’s, Schwartz texts Kristen not to come. Kristen literally starts crying and throwing a tantrum. Let’s please give an Emmy to this producer:

Kristen: I had a few incidences at work but that was forever ago

*Flashback of her throwing a drink in James’s face 10 months before*

The devil works hard, but the Bravo producers work harder.

The party at TomTom is beginning. Scheana showed up in a crop top and Lala showed up in a pageboy cap. Yikes. However, I have nothing snarky left to say about the restaurant, it looks great.

What is equally great is James DJing from a closet upstairs. Honestly it’s perfect because then he can’t drink or interact with anybody at the party.

Lisa: I would say I deserve a drink but that would be wrong… I deserve to get slaughtered.

^Me after doing the bare minimum.

Schwartz has declared it a national emergency that they just ran out of vegan egg whites for the drinks. I just threw up at the thought of drinking chick pea juice instead of egg whites in my cocktail.

Schwartz running to get the “aquafaba” is the most initiative he’s ever taken in his life. He’ll be saying “I got the aquafaba” to anyone who will listen for the next 3 years.

LISA IS DRUNKKKKK YOU GUYS!!! I’m living for this. Mom is wasted!! She’s the cutest drunk ever. And before you say anything, I don’t watch Housewives so don’t you dare try to change my opinion of this.

Elsewhere in a corner, Stassi is having like, a manic episode to Lala: “I love girls trips and I love girls and girl time and I love girl talk” and… girl are you okay? Are you broken?

I’m truly shocked that Kristen didn’t actually show up to this party. This pathetic scene of Kristen eating spaghetti in bed with her dogs WHILE CRYING is reinforcing my sense of justice in this world. I have rewatched it multiple times already.

Back at TomTom, Jax goes up to James like, “You’re DJing in a closet? There’s so much stuff I could say but I won’t because I’m nice.” Oh so only Jax can make jokes? Because you know if James said this to Jax he would flip all of his sh*ts and get him excommunicated from the group. But James is letting everything go because he’s a little puppy, desperate to get back in the favor of this group of hypocrites. Notably, James turns down an offer for a drink from Jax. Jax is such a messy little bitch who lives for drama! He knows James is not drinking and he offers him a cocktail multiple times. That’s kinda f*cked.

I know I’m just being a petty betty at this point, but it’s kind of funny to hear Ariana gush about how Tom has always dreamed of owning a bar. Ah yes, I too dream of owning 5% of a bar. I know, I know, easy for me to say when I own 0% of any bar or commercial or residential property, for that matter! We end this week on that sappy note, and I know I keep saying this but next week looks good. Like, for real this time. *Crosses all fingers and toes* see you all next week!

Images: Bravo (3); Giphy (2); Netflix

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