Flickr/ Manuel Martin

Aries

( March 21 st to April 19 th)

You fantasize about murder–but never suicide. You’re extremely egotistical to deprive the planet of your fabulous attendance. Because it’s all about you…you…you…you become uncontrollably jealous when anyone goes more attention than you do, so you seek to suppres them. You seek to destroy anyone who’d dare get in the way of your obstinately stupid ego.


Taurus

( April 20 th to May 21 st)

A deep, soul-searing self-pity downs you. Your bitterness lopes so deep, they are able to make a whole bottle of milk move sour simply by taking a sip. You never get tired of sounding yourself whine. No one could ever detect as sorry for you as you do for yourself. You will forge illness precisely to have a personal assistant help you because you’re so lazy. You’re not even above pretending you have a terminal illness just so you won’t get dumped.


Gemini

( May 22 nd to June 21 st)

The Jekyll/ Hyde duality that is the core of your split personality is too at the root of your personal malice. You will cut person off forever for the merest offense. For even the of an offense. You are brutal and utterly insincere. You know how to schmooze people, but you grit your teeth while smiling at them. You are prone to endlessly wild mood jives, and woe betide anyone affected by them.


Cancer

( June 22 nd to July 22 nd)

When it comes to ardours, it’s ever hurricane season with you. You’re like an impending shake or tsunami — 24 hours before you get into one of your notoriously awful climates, all swine in the area can sense misfortune and will start to abscond. You’re more proud to declare you’re anxious, more anxious to forgive anyone who’s bridged you. If you feel you’ve is just too genu to person, you will steal something of theirs. Like the crab in the container, you have to tear down anyone who’s rising higher than you.


Leo

( July 23 rd to August 22 nd)

You are the very essence of an attention-seeking bully. You can only filch yourself up by rending others down. Your pride includes over an easily bruised ego and a deep gumption of self-hatred. So you take that hatred out on others. But beneath every bully beats the heart of a coward. Problem is, you’re even too fearful to acknowledge you’re a coward.


Virgo

( August 23 rd to September 22 nd)

The only thing you share with others is your unhappiness. You won’t be happy until everyone is as sad because you are. You push everyone away, then grab them back, only in order to be allowed to push them away again. You revile even your closest sidekicks, then you wonder why they don’t revert your entitles. Then, when they lastly call back, you love to torture them by neglecting them.


Libra

( September 23 rd to October 22 nd)

You bring parties into your halo just so you can use them. Other living creatures “re just like” chess segments to you–to be used, transmitted into combat, and even killed in the service of your victory. You operate everyone–friends, love, family members, even your babies. To you, everyone else might as well be a robot. Merely your ardours question. Oh, actually have ardours? That’s OK, so long as they don’t get in the way of emotions.


Scorpio

( October 23 rd to November 22 nd)

Sometimes it seems that your only solace in life involves justification digesting to others. You seek out “wild” or “dangerous” parties for the purpose of taming and then eliminating them. You’re not even vexed when people call you heartless–you’d require a centre to get riled by that.


Sagittarius

( November 23 rd to December 21 st)

People don’t like getting close to you because it’s very distressing. You know where everyone’s buttons are and you take a great delight in pushing them until they scream. You will craft “the worlds largest” heartlessly vicious offense that cuts deep into their anxieties; if they protest, you are able to laugh and accuse them of being a whiny babe. And all the cruelty is simply a hopeless is making an effort to replenish the gape emptiness inside you.


Capricorn

( December 22 nd to January 20 th)

No one has suffered but you. No one knows injustice and sting looks just like you do. All of the bad things that have happened in everyone else’s life–combined, throughout history–isn’t even worse as a ordinary week with you. Even worse, all those people who called themselves your “friends” act like they don’t even want to hear you deplore anymore.


Aquarius

( January 21 st to February 18 th)

You are blindly self-centered. You don’t imagine the earth is flat, but you’re particular the universe revolves around you. You’re the kind of person who, the day after your best friend is killed in a car disintegrate, will ask their parents about what’s going to happen to their belongings. You’re ever the first to show up at a decipher of the will. You’re planted there in the front seat waiting to see what you got.


Pisces

( February 19 th to March 20 th)

People are always amazing what’s behind your evil smile, but you’ll never tell. You profess that you’re balk; no, you’re cocky. You only don’t want people to see the real you. You never help anyone unless they can help you more. You dream of being a despot or mob captain, stepping on parties left and right while the paparazzi take photos.

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