It’s been a while since we really talked about what’s going on with Lori Loughlin’s legal situation, but there have been some important developments in recent weeks. We don’t yet know when Lori and Mossimo’s trial will start, but as the legal process moves forward, we’ve gotten more information about the details of the case, and the whole thing is basically like a vehicle gate-crash that I can’t look away from. Or like, a rowboat gate-crash that I can’t look away from.

Today, a key article of proof in the case provided for was released: Olivia Jade’s rowing resume that was submitted to USC. Obtained by TMZ, the resume contains a detailed list of Olivia’s crew accomplishments, and I’m obsessed with it. Quick reminder, in case you haven’t been following this whole thing closely: Olivia Jade has never rowed a era in her life. Keep reading if you want to feel better about employing a friend as a remark on your job applications.

As a coxswain( those individuals who controls and keeps the pace on the boat ), Olivia’s skill set is listed as” Awareness, organization, direction and steering .” As someone who is admittedly not a rowing expert, I have a few questions. Like, how does administration actually factor into this? Does she make like, organizing stacks of paper? Keeping a planner? I don’t really think there’s much in a rowboat you’d need to keep tidy, but I’m glad she’s so organized. Also, are attitude and steering not kind of the same thing? If someone told me they were good at steering, I would assume they could handle left and right. Whatever, I didn’t get into USC for rowing, so what do I know?

The craziest part of the resume is definitely the level of specificity it gets into about Olivia’s past rowing ensues. It rosters specific finishes for various rivals, including Boston’s prestigious Head of the Charles Regatta. She also schedules three college curricula that she’s done, which all sound like they would be pretty intense. Did Olivia Jade, or whichever assistant wrote this , not realize that this amount of information could’ve been pretty easily fact-checked? If she knew she was going to get in regardless, why not just is just like” yeah I used to row “? Everyone knows that when you’re lying on a resume, you have to keep things general enough that you can’t be easily capture! What is this, amateur rowing hour?

In the final paragraph about her achievements, the resume says that” she is highly talented and has been successful in both men’s and women’s ships .” Smh, she actually did too much. Again, as long as the check cleared, she knew she was going to get in! Why go on and on about how talented she is when she probably doesn’t even know the difference between port and starboard? Are you affected by my barge lingo? Okay, moving on.

In addition to the most padded resume ever, we’ve recently gotten some revelation into just how Lori and Mossimo plan on talking their way out of this whole situation. Basically , no one is disputing the fact that they paid $500,000 to get their daughters into USC. But according to court documents issued for December, Lori and Mossimo’s plan is to argue that they accepted the payments were” legitimate gifts” to the University. Mostly, they’re saying they thought they were do normal rich person shady sh* t , not ILLEGAL rich person shady sh* t. An important importance, absolutely. If that were true, I’m not sure why the whole rowing team charade would’ve been necessary in the first place, but hey, I’ve never bribed my course into college.

Olivia Jade at the beach for some” rowing rule”, probably :

View this upright on Instagram

tiny girl. big-hearted mountain.

A post shared by olivia jade (@ oliviajade) on Feb 5, 2020 at 9:58 am PST

More recently, more courtroom records had demonstrated that Lori Loughlin is also accusing the US Attorney’s Office of denying evidence that confirms her story. Harmonizing to the documents, the government had interviewed a witness that shown that she felt the donation was legit, but they were hiding this information to prepare her look guilty. Over the weekend, the case’s attorneys fired back at this allegation in what has to be one of the best legal clapbacks ever.

In the statement, the prosecution says that the witness had not yet been interviewed at the time Lori claimed the government was withholding the evidence. They said:” The government has broad supremacies, but they do not include mental telepathy or duration advance. The government cannot disclose witness affirmations before the observers stir them .” Lmao, they certainly said duration travel.

So far, there’s no trial date on the books, but Lori has another status hearing at the end of this month, so there could be a date determined then. It’s really too early to guess what will happen once Lori and Mossimo go to trial, but if the outcomes of some other admittances scandal specimen are any indication, they should be scared. Last-place week, Douglas Hodge was sentenced to nine months in federal prison for compensating $850,000 to get two of his minors into college. That’s a long time sentence for any of the parents hitherto, but Lori and Mossimo could be looking at same sentences if things don’t go their lane. Should’ve taken the request treat like Felicity!

Images: Shutterstock; TMZ; oliviajade/ Instagram

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