I’d just like to start this recap by throwing up a metaphorical middle finger at The CW for making it so fucking difficult for me to live stream their shit. How dare they discriminate against those of us mooching off our ex-boyfriend’s step sister’s friend from high school’s parent’s cable password. CW, if you’re listening, welcome to your fucking tape. Luckily, I’m committed to seeing more of Archie’s abs this show and will watch it by any means necessary, even if those means are illegal will slowly rot my laptop from the inside out. Anyway, shall we talk shit about this episode now?

The episode starts with a montage of the rise and fall of Pop’s Diner: from then, when it was young and thriving, to now, when it’s dead inside (literally), and it’s like looking into a mirror v unsettling. Not into this self-reflection rn. *opens bottle of wine*

So apparently Pop’s ain’t doing so hot after the shooting. A mere three days later, the diner is shutting down, because people aren’t showing up for their daily milkshakes.  I would love to see the account ledger for this place.

Lol, I love that outside of investigating town murders, working on their music careers, trying to get to second base with their girlfriends, pulling beautiful psychos out of a frozen lake, and fending off gang members wearing jean-on-jean ensembles, these kids still have time to save a diner. is crazy.

When do we think Archie is going to tell everyone that he’s been spending his nights “guarding” his family with nothing but a stick and his penetrating stare?

Oh THANK GOD FP is back. DADDY IS HOME. Bless up.

FP: *breathes*

ME:

He’s back, but not for long, because it looks like FP might be going to jail for a casual 20-40 years for something, but I can’t remember what. Like, what is he in jail for again? Did he move a body? Is that it?? Because the Liars only got like, five days in prison for that, and Riverdale PD seems like it would run on a similar sort of justice system. Idk. Someone DM me if you know these answers.

Wowww, Betty is doing some next level stalking detective work with Archie rn. Watching him every night through her window and then reporting his whereabouts to his girlfriend? *slow claps* Like, way to have ya girl’s back. Betty, where were you when I was dating Tyler from Jersey?

VERONICA: ARE YOU TEXTING BITCHES OR NAH; Betty tells me you haven’t been sleeping in your bed?

ARCHIE: It’s not what you think! I just stay up all night sitting on this milk crate, that I bought from Urban Outfitters’ home goods sale, defending my family with nothing but a stick and sheer force of will!!!

VERONICA: Where is this stick, so I can beat you with it?

Once again, Veronica is me. I am Veronica.

Archie is slowly unraveling and I’m into it is now apparently trying to buy drugs in broad fucking daylight. Honestly, I’m more concerned that they turned re-cast Reggie into a drug dealer. This seems like a character departure from the wholesome jock who only sometimes ranked girls sexually for funsies. Lol KIDDING.

The longer I watch this show the more I have no idea what the kids are into these days. Wtf is Jingle Jangle? And is that the drug Bella Thorne’s been on this whole time?

It’s all starting to make sense…

I was wondering when they were going to address the fact that Mrs. Grundy was dead. I guess news spreads fast in Riverdale, even if you’re a disgraced teacher who fled town and her underage boyfriend.

The look on Archie’s face rn when the teacher mentions Archie might have been one of Mrs. Grundy’s students is priceless. Like, yeah, student, lover, person she banged on the piano once. Whatever title you want to give it, sir.

Jughead goes to find The Serpents’ lawyer, and her office is located in a tattoo parlor. Seems legit. Okay, I knew this bitch was no Rafael Barba or anything, but like, does she really think the best, most effective legal strategy for FP’s release is to depend on Cheryl’s forgiveness? Cheryl Blossom, aka the girl who jumped into a frozen lake and burned her family home to the ground just to teach her mother a lesson? Cheryl?

Lol, good luck with that.

Is anyone else getting some weird cougar vibes from this lawyer woman rn?

PENNY PEABODY, AAL: No need to pay me, Juggy. We’re friends. I do you a favor, you do me a favor.

ALSO PENNY PEABODY, AAL:

All I have to say is she better not get in between me and my relationship Betty and Jughead. I Betty just can’t take that kind of emotional rejection rn.

Mrs. Cooper is looking into the Mrs. Grundy thing, because on top of being a homemaker and professional shade thrower, she apparently has the license to investigate every person in the greater state of New York. K.

Wowww. Veronica is not afraid to start some shit at the dinner table. It’s honestly inspiring. Will channel her energy during Thanksgiving.

Wait. HOLD UP. Hermione wrote that letter pretending to be Hiram in prison, threatening herself?? That is savage AF. Tbh, I’ve never felt more inspired at home disturbed by all these vindictive psychos living in Riverdale. 

Meanwhile, Jughead and Betty are headed to talk Cheryl into forgiving FP.

Yeah, I bet this goes really well for them. *turns up volume*

Okay, what is this second manor Cheryl managed to dig up after she burned her old one down? I can barely afford a bedroom with a closet, and this bitch has an extra mansion just lying around. Seriously, how much money does this maple syrup dynasty bring in?? Also, Mrs. Blossom is out of the ICU? Is two days in the hospital pretty standard for someone who’s covered in third degree burns? Is it?

JUGHEAD: Do you think you guys could show some leniency towards my dad, since technically, dad murdered Jason, and all mine did was move the body?

CHERYL:

Well, that went about as well as to be expected. And of course, Jughead and Betty’s immediate reaction is to blackmail and extort a newly widowed woman and her grieving daughter. Again, I feel so at home here.

Elsewhere, Archie is still a dumbass tackles Reggie for being sketchy AF and honestly, Archie’s not wrong (for once). I mean, who wears a SKI MASK to deliver drugs? That’s fucking terrifying.

Wow, Archie is really taking this whole Mrs. Grundy thing to heart, isn’t he? I’ve been watching him slowly unravel all episode long, and all I can think is: sooo watching video footage of your classmate’s murder, accidentally helping the police put your best friend’s dad in prison, and rescuing a girl from an icy death doesn’t make you completely lose your shit, but hearing about what your ex has been up to lately does? Honestly, the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on this screen.

Betty takes it upon herself to blackmail Cheryl into testifying on FP’s behalf, and I can pay attention to none of it, because I’m distracted by the fact that high school sophomores have better hair, lives, and underwear than me. *sips more wine*

Archie goes to the police station to tell the sheriff his theory on who attacked his dad and murdered Mrs. Grundy, and it’s actually pretty valid. He thinks Geraldine’s ex-husband found out about her fucking her underage students, shot Archie’s dad for revenge, and killed Mrs. Grundy in a fit of rage. Honestly, I’m impressed. I mean, Archie can barely remember what girl he likes each episode, and he just came up with that conspiracy theory all on his own. But, because this is Riverdale and the adults are a bunch of beautiful morons, the sheriff just looks at him like he’s insane.

^^Actual footage of Archie at the police station trying to make sense of his life

Cheryl gives an Oscar-worthy performance in court, and things are actually looking up for FP. But again, it’s like the writers have not seen one single episode of SVU. You’d think the judge would just dismiss all charges after a 17-year-old girl’s testimony? No one’s going to fact check this statement?? Where the fuck is Olivia Benson when you need her?

Well, it looks like this last-minute charity event thrown by high schoolers is pretty fucking lit. What bright futures they have as philanthropy chairs in their sororities.

Wait, why are they down a Pussy Cat? Wtf happened to Val? Why are all of Archie’s women disappearing?? (And low-key, how is he getting this to happen? Asking for a friend…)

WTF, CHERYL SINGS TOO?? Y’all, we aren’t worthy.

Archie is having a fucking meltdown at Pop’s and keeps flashing back to the shooting. Meanwhile, Veronica just called him “Daddy-O” and is trying to shove cheeseburgers down his throat. She’s so good in a crisis.

OH. SHIT. Hiram write that letter! He’s such a lying piece of fine Spanish ass that I am still 100 percent into. Just saying.

FP calls Jughead to tell him he fucked up by getting advice from Penny Peabody, aka “The Snake Charmer,” and like, fucking duh he did.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Archie bought a gun? The boy can barely be trusted with his guitar, and the writers of this show think it’s okay to give him a ? 

The episode ends with Moose and that girl, who looks suspiciously like Kevin, making out in the backseat of his car after taking a heavy dose of what appears to be the children’s candy pixie sticks Jingle Jangle (Really? We’re still sticking with that name?).

OMG. Did that masked man just kill Moose?! And Girl Who Looks Like Kevin?? AND THAT’S HOW THIS SHIT ENDS? K. If you need me I’ll just be taking deep, calming breaths into a paper bag, as I anxiously await next week’s episode.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/riverdale-season-2-episode-2-recap