To splurge, or to save? That is the question. Although, at this point, your safest bet is to grab, swipe, and GTFO. In fact, if I were you, I would avoid the mall at all costs—for so many reasons, one of them being the full moon. Yep, and that’s not even the worst part. Despite the utter madness of all things Black Friday, the full moon in Gemini is hands down everything we don’t need, especially on one of the busiest days of the year. There’s more. Mercury is hella retrograde, and the messenger planet rules Gemini, and all things related to technology, and commerce. Black Friday gone wrong? TBH, I don’t know what’s worse. People going batsh*t bonkers all the mall, or everything glitching and crashing. OK, Black Friday is cancelled. OK, maybe not, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Nevertheless, these are your Black Friday 2018 horoscopes.

Aries

I highly suggest you take your Black Friday lust out on your laptop. Besides, your Thanksgiving food coma will be in full effect, and there’s no better feeling than shopping in pajamas. Chill out, Aries. I know you secretly get off on running missions, but make sure you tread lightly. On another note, the full moon will light up your sh*t-talking third house, and well, gossiping is inevitable. Careful you don’t pull a Gretchen Weiners.

Taurus

Settle down, betch. I would seriously stop binge-watching Pretty Woman if I were you. The reality is, swiping your credit card with reckless abandon isn’t going to get you that commission, sweetheart. In fact, with the full moon lighting up your money-hungry second house, you might have a few things to sort out with your bills bills bills. In other words, no blackouts on Black Friday, Taurus. Lord knows you don’t need another pair of shoes.

Gemini

OK, I’m not even trying to be a negative Nancy here, but your ruling planet is hella retrograde, and it just so happens to rule all things related to technology, and commerce. There’s also a full moon in your sign. Need I say more? Vaya con dios, Betch. Black Friday will be action-packed, and just so you know, those are Mercury-infested waters. Also, don’t even think about texting your sugar daddy. You might text someone else unintentionally.

Cancer

I know you’re desperately seeking some closure, but strolling through the mall with a cell phone up to your ear will never be worth it. In fact, why don’t you go ahead and finish your never-ending pow-wow in the car, and call it a day? Save yourself from the full moon mall madness, Cancer. You need a long nap.

Leo

You’re the only person who has the patience to get a group of girls together, let alone buy matching T-shirts for the Black Friday adventure gone wrong. What part of “Mercury is retrograde and there’s a full moon” do you not get? Interestingly enough, the full moon lights up your schmoozing zone, which could spark some useless drama amongst you and your pink ladies… I mean girls. Stop torturing yourself, Leo.

Virgo

Overtime on Black Friday? You would, Virgo. Although, I’m not going to lie, I respect your hustle. In fact, I doubt I’m the only one, considering the full moon will illuminate your tenth house of boss betch, and all eyes will be on you. Take it easy though, your ruling is at it again, and you know about the Mercury retrograde diaries first hand. Don’t stress the little things.

Libra

Hate to break it to you, but tailgating outside of Target will never be a Black Friday to remember. On the contrary—you will never be the same. Although, you seem pretty set on your ways this year, and with that full moon lighting up your spontaneous ninth house of popping squats and campfire stories, looks like you’ll be making it an adventure.

Scorpio

Focus on your Christmas shopping, Scorpio. Don’t be a selfish betch. Although, who am I kidding? You almost won stingiest of the zodiac, but Taurus beat you to it. However, you might wanna speak your truth, considering you’re in need of some much-needed validation. In other words, stop avoiding that toxic person’s phone call.

Sagittarius

It’s your birthday season, betch. Do yourself a favor, and tell your loved ones to save themselves the trouble of buying you a gift, and hook it up with some extra cash. Aren’t you saving up for a summer in Bali? Also, from the looks of it, you won’t be going solo. You can thank almighty Jupiter for these lucky stars.

Capricorn

You and Virgo should seriously get together and go bowling. How in the world do you make these tedious missions look so effortless? Granted, I know your to-do list is larger than life, but make sure you splurge on yourself at least once this year. For the love of the cosmos, please don’t make Black Friday a job, too.

Aquarius

You’re in the best mood these days, and TBH it scares the hell out of me. Why? Well, you are one detached betch. In fact, the full moon lights up your fifth house of romance, creativity, and all things center-of-attention. In other words, not sure you’ll be making it to Black Friday, unless you’re in the mood to do the “shop of shame.”

Pisces

Black Friday who? Your post-Thanksgiving food coma is looking rough, and well, there’s always Cyber Monday. Make sure you stay hydrated, too. The turkey stuffing isn’t going to soak up your drunken stupor. Better luck next time.

Images: Annie Spratt / Unsplash; Giphy (6)

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