Well, fam, we’re back for( presumably) the last week of this season of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s not like I’ve been pleading for this moment to happen ever since individual producers started trying to convince the opponents to move soft core porn with meat a situation before each rose ceremony.
This week we’ll find out which duets will spoil their own lives by getting engaged to a person they’ve knows we about as long as my leftover Chinese food has been sitting in the refrigerator, and which couples will break up, having precisely drawn reproach upon their houses by dry humping anything with a pulse all summer.* cough* Venmo John* cough, coughing *. Shall we get started?
The episode opens with Kamil still talking about the Russian witch hunt. He’s like “she burned my representation in a barrage, she’s certainly a voodoo, ” which is literally something my ex has said about me so, what’s your point, Kamil? Hmm?
The next natural modulation here is to introduce a year poster into the mix. Joe mentions he’d like a year placard because he’s never go one before and would like to solidify stuffs with Kendall so make hands it to Jordan. ABC, why do you are willing to to ignite your studios to the ground far worse?
Jordan requests Jenna on the date and it’s going to involve some kind of photoshoot, which I’m sure is code for softcore porn. Mark my texts. And it’s wed themed! I predict ABC was tired of sh* ting directly on the sanctity of wedlock and decided to try their hand at debasing engagement photo shoots instead. This should be good.* turns up loudnes*
JENNA: I’m nervous about this photo shoot. I’m anxious about imitation getting engaged. I’m nervous about my sorrows for Jordan.
JORDAN: Not now, sugar, you’re stymie my daylight!
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Okay, why is Jenna playing like such an agitated monstrosity rn? Could it be the narcotics, or is it because they’re forming her put one over a wedding dress in front of a man she’s been dating for 9 eras? I didn’t know she was capable of such rational estimate, but okay.
Robby Hayes walkings into Paradise and I’m confused as to why new soldiers are still demo up. Is this not the climax? ABC DO NOT PLAY WITH ME LIKE THIS.
CASSIE: Robby is going to have a hard time here because everyone is well aware a piece of sh* t “hes to” Amanda.
SHU 😛 TAGEND
So naturally Shushanna, who has turned down literally every semi-nice guy to walk into Paradise, starts foaming at the mouth at the see of Robby and his drawn on eyebrows. Damn, this daughter is a psycho and I adoration it.
Robby questions Shu on the time and she admits because literally every other girlfriends turned him down firstly she thinks he felt a connection with her. Godddd this date is so tolerating. They go on some sort of dinner/ date combo that can be summed up in this entire exchange 😛 TAGEND
SHU: Apparently I’m a voodoo so be careful.
ROBBY: That’s okay, I bet you’re good in bed.
While the Russian and Robby are on their appointment, Jordan reaps the girls around to tell them the bedtime floor to seeing how Robby screwed over Amanda Stanton and there were receipts to prove it. Ah, yes, I speculate I’ve heard of that one before. Scarier than the boogeyman. Meanwhile, Jenna sounds the words “douchebag” and “cheater” and ogles longingly into the distance.
Cut to Shu and Robby’s date and it actually seems to be going quite well? Idk how this girl is doing it because I could not take a appointment with Robby and his blinding veneers seriously.
Back at the beach, the rest of the couples are trying to figure out if their relationships will make it past the tequila shots they took this summer. Doubtful.
Joe tells Kendall that he checks a future with her outside of Paradise and she looks like he precisely told her she should go lick their communal bathroom floor. MY GOD KENDALL. If you were so petrified of commitment why did you go on a indicate TWICE where the end aim is engagement? I swear to f* cking god, Kendall, I will skin your heedless form and hang it on my wall if you don’t start returning Joe’s love.
YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HE FEELS, KENDALL ??
Wait. Tonight’s a rose ritual? Lol they’re still doing that? I figured yield had abandoned them to tequila and their own machines at this place, but okay.
There’s merely one rose that’s up for grabs and it’s Olivia’s. She gets to choose between Diggy, who is goddamn snack, or Venmo John, who can offer her countries around the world a rose next week but only if another daughter doesn’t walk in first. This option is so hard !!
Elsewhere, Kendall tells Joe that she cherishes him but she’s not in love with him and I’ve never wanted to cut person so much better in my entire life. She’s like “we just have doubts about this whole thing” and Joe starts “please stop saying’ we’ because you know that’s not how I feel.” PLEASE STOP SAYING WE. I AM DEAD.
KENDALL: I don’t know if I’m in love with Joe.
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA 😛 TAGEND
OMG Joe is leaving ?? Just like that? Tbh I didn’t think it was possible, but Joe comes out of this looking even better than before. Joe, announce me.
Side note: I’m just seeing these two being stuck at the airport together actively not looking at each other and having their producers speak for them. You know Chris Harrison is somewhere saying “Oh, sorry! We booked you on the same flight. Budget gashes, you are familiar with! ”
Meanwhile, we’re still doing the rose formality I suspected EVEN THOUGH LOVE IS DEAD. Fine. The rose liturgy croaks as such 😛 TAGEND Cassie picks Kiwi Jordan Shushanna picks Robby Annaliese picks Kamil Astrid picks Kevin Krystal picks Chris Jenna picks Jordan Olivia collects … Venmo John ?! WHAT. I guess nerds are so in this season. never change get participated