Good morning idiot prostitutes, and welcome back to another rousing season of Bachelor in Paradise ! Why ABC decided to breath the first occurrence one nighttime after holding all of America hostage for three dismal hours to watch Becca ruin her life one last duration, I’ll never understand. But here we are being held almost at knifepoint by Mike Fleiss for two more hours ! And while I’d instead slammed my premier against a wall for two hours than dive head first into any more soul-sucking Bachelor drama, I’ve realized that I maybe, kind of, kind of missed the hedonistic cavern of sin that is ABC’s slice of Mexico? So, shall we dive right in then? I mean, there’s only a cyclone brewing outside and I’m 90 percent sure my internet will miscarry faster than any of these people’s livers did on night one, but, sure, let’s do this.

I guess we’re startle right into the intros then. As if I wanted to know any more about the intricacies of their flat potbelly tea foods.

DAMNNN. Kevin precisely spilled the tea on Ashley I. He’s saying that Ashley made out with Jared while they continued to dating, and I’m not surprised at all. If Jared said “cry” she’d say how “how many flows? ”

So David aka “The Chicken” is living at home with his mother post-filming. What catches they have this season! Girls, I’m jealous. Also, David, you live in Boca Raton. You can totally marry your mummy in Florida. It might actually be one of the only places.

Analise is up next, and she’s definitely going to be Lacey Mark that daughter that announces every week about how none of the people like her.

BIBI: My goal here is to kill them. Kill them with. my. bootie.

^^ I envisage I’m going to turn that into a motivational sign and hang it over my bed.

Jesus. Tia’s veneers precisely dazzled me, so I suspect I’ll exclusively be listening to the rest of the chapter. Seriously, have her teeth always looked like that?

Eric’s like “so do y’all like the power here? ” Yes, Eric they all like the force because the “energy” is free boozes.

JOEEEEE. Joe is here, y’all, and I’m swooning already.

CHRIS HARRISON: Do you think you’ll last longer this time?
JOE : Maybe a day? Tops.

I love that his barroom for the trip-up is about as low as my bar for Hinge parallels. Glad we’re on the same page, Joe!

You guys, what is with people’s teeth this season? I’m starting to really get freaked out here. Was there a discount on layers and Crest White Strips before filming?

Okay, THANK YOU TIA, for provide comments on Krystal’s voice change. Like, what happened to the newborn prostitute tone that haunted my nightmares last January? Ugh. Of course she’s croaking after Joe, though. He’s like “she’s so sweet.” Oh, Joe. She is going to have sex with you and then rend your head off.

If Krystal dares ruin Joe’s pure, sweetened behaviour, I will Dissolve HER .

Venmo John is like “the last time I was reserved and didn’t know how to talk to beings but now I’ve detected booze, so it’s easier.” Ah, the wonders of warm tequila, amiright John?

Okay, wait. Annaliese is Jordan’s type? Annaliese? The girlfriend who’s afraid of bumper automobiles and puppies. If you don’t make she has a composite about golden underwear then you better ponder again, friend.

The chicken goes here and Chris Harrison is like “I’m glad you came as yourself this time.” Is coming as himself any better though, Chris?

Surprise, surprise, Colton’s not here yet and Tia is freaking the f* ck out. It’s interesting that Colton never contacted out to Tia even though she got him kicked off Becca’s season because of all of her “feelings” for him. I only feel like perhaps he’s not that into her? I necessitate, the buster claims he’s never even read a woman’s vagina before and yet Tia is here all but spreading herself on national television and he’s like “nah, I’m good.” Yeah, it’s suspicious AF.

That’s stone cold dread in his eyes, beings .

GOD TIA. Stop bringing up Colton’s identify when you have a f* cking dime piece like Joe in your proximity! Seriously. If I listen the appoint Colton one more age I’m going to go outside in this storm with a piece of metal and evade this lightning to strike me.

In a brutal turn of BiP producer-orchestrated fate, Tia gets the first year poster. Okay, she’s behaving like that placard is a herpes diagnosis and not the chance to share a dinner and Instagram followers with one of these washed-up street puppies. Get over yourself.

LOL I affection that Bibi looks like she wants to fight her over this. Please do, girl. Give us all out of our hardship.

Tia starts talking to grocery Joe and she’s like, “I’m not like other girls because I’m a relationship kind of girl.” Literally that is every girl with a heartbeat, Tia. Nice try.

WHAT. She picks psycho Chris ?? Have they even spoken words to each other hitherto? Why ??

Meanwhile, Kendall and Joe start vibing. And by “vibing” I signify dry humping on a chaise parlour, which is something her baby specific informed her not to do before gone on this show. Here’s hoping her mother doesn’t take away one of her stuffed animal presidents in reprisal.

Friendly reminder, people, that we’re an hour into this abomination of a television depict and there’s still no clear storyline. It’s like watching drink cats sow on a beach and are seeking to make sense of it.

Speaking of sh* t that that doesn’t make sense, wtf are Chelsea and Nick doing cuddled up on a chaise parlour? It’s like watching a gondola disintegrate my Snapchat story after scorching out at happy hour. You know, when you make out with a hot person simply to identify areas eventually he could just retain his eyes open and says sh* t like “where’s all the p* ssy tonight.” I intend, if the information was ten stages cooler he’d be wearing a velour tracksuit!

NICK : Women with girls don’t bother me as long as I never ensure the child and her vagina’s recovered.
CHELSEA :

Cut to Tia and Chris’s date. She’s drinking water at this degree and is STILL talking about Colton. It’s gonna be a longggg night.

Wait. I’m rightfully stunned she’s into this person. Aha! The truth comes out. The two of them simply like one another because they both don’t is intended to be single anymore. I think they probably have more chemistry with their crotches than one another, but okay. To each their own. And, hey, if Carly, a woman who said she got “limp dick” from sharing the societies of a guy who would afterwards become the father-god of her child, then anything is possible as long as Wells has a heavy pour .

O.M.G. Colton is here and ready to f* ck up Tia’s newly determined prosperity. Examine, noblewomen, Paradise is similar to the real world !!

They devote Colton a time card because I approximate production craves Tia to fling herself off a cliff this morning. Lol he starts pulling girlfriends aside and nothing of them are Tia. What a class act he is! He’s, like, flirting with anyone on the island who has a vagina and a pulse EXCEPT TIA, but I have a feeling he’ll still pick her because he listened she might be happy with someone else.

AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW, HE CHOOSES TIA.

^ Me writing down further evidence of why the male species shouldn’t be allowed to breathe the same air as the rest of us

Wait so this “magical date” he took her on before Becca’s season was just a dinner at his house ?! The boy didn’t even take you out in public, Tia? Like, he is a former pro football player and he’s trying to say that the best he can do for a date is to beat you up some Spaghetti-O’s at home? Earnestly ?? Oh, honey, newborn, dear. DUMP HIS ASS.

God I can’t listen to these twits for one more goddamn hour. Colton’s like “I was into Becca but then you transmitted me dwelling, so here we are” and Tia essentially orgasms right there on that boat.

TIA : Idk why but I just keep coming back to you?

I KNOW WHY. He’s breadcrumbing you, sweetie! Tale as age-old as meter.

Elsewhere, Chris is just stewing on the beach. All those steroids and hair gel–this can’t is all very well. He’s got all of Paradise riled up too. It’s like that situation with Gaston before the townspeople “ve been trying” f* ck up the devil. Except with less geniu and good planneds and apparently Chris is not as hot as Gaston. Plainly. That genius reference I just made pairs perfectly with this gif, so enjoy:

BRB I gotta take a musical infringe to sing “Gaston” to myself.

And on that memorandum, WE’RE FREE “weve got to” to be expected that next week to see how this fight plays out. I’m sure it’ll be about as manly as the fight I had in secondary school with my sister over her stealing my favorite Delia’s shirt for school drawings. Should be lit. Until next week, betches!

Portraits: Giphy( 5 ); ABC( 3 )

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