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Hello, and welcome to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! I’m told that tonight we’ll be subjected to the fiery car crash otherwise known as “The Women Tell All.” But before the women can skewer Pachi over the flares of their ever-burning hatred, we must first finish the Fantasy Suites rose ritual. I think we can all agree that last week was a rough one–and I’m not just talking Victoria F in the bedroom. In fact, I feel like last week’s episode can be summing-up up with this entire exchange:

MADISON: I’m a virgin and if you slept with other women then we’re done.
PETER:

Things “re not” searching enormous for the two of them when Madison was noticeably absent from the develop rite. Which delivers us to tonight! We’re minutes away from finding out if Madison’s prayer circle will forgive Peter for experimenting in sexual asphyxiation with Victoria F. Oh Pachi, what a entangled web you knit.

The Rose Ceremony

As Victoria is getting ready for the heighten ceremony, she tells us that Peter’s enjoy is the “purest” she’s ever seen. I’m not sure if “pure” is the right word here, but he’s obviously the most single person she’s ever been with. Likewise, what world is she living in? Their entire relationship has is comprised of her screaming “I can’t! ” and Peter looking at the camera like he’d like to hang himself. The detail that Victoria thinks she could have a forever with him prepares me want to call her doctor immediately and have him adjust her meds.

Is that* looks* Chris Harrison at a rose rite? Well, well, how neat of you to join us Christopher! I’m pretty sure the last time he spoke instantly to Peter was back in Cleveland when the women hijacked his lift ceremony–and that’s only because he’s contractually obligated to interfere when the contestants figure a riot and try to bury the pas alive for his stupidity.

He requests Peter how everything is going and Peter immediately breaks down into rends. I desire that Chris is looking at him with absolute indignation. I guess after the Fence Jump of 2019, he made sure to adjust his contract so that he’s no longer obligated to deal with psychological breakdowns.

PETER: * moans*
CHRIS HARRISON:
Hannah Ann is the first to arrive at tonight’s rose rite and you can tell she doesn’t really want to win this thing. I represent, it’s the only excuse I can think of of the reasons why she would decide to show up to one of the most important rose ceremonies of the season dressed like a witch’s curse turned her into a table lamp merely in time to perform “Be Our Guest.” Then there’s the fact that she gazes perfectly panicked that Madison is absent from the lift ceremony and she might automatically be going to the finals.

Madi shows up at the very last second wearing a red dress of sin. What’s even more alarming? You can be found in her collarbone. Wooooooow. Her youth pastor will definitely be using times from this episode as a cautionary narrative at his next Sunday school sermon, that’s for sure.

Peter starts off the develop rite and he is visibly disturbed. I would also be unnerved if my alone options for marriage included a simulation for Kohl’s vouchers, the pitch-black widow of Virginia Beach, and a girl wearing a chastity region made of titanium. Tbh I is also difficult are concentrated on him when the camera obstructs panning to Madison’s makeup. Can Madison figure out how to use mascara? MY GOD. You’re a innocent Madi, but you’re certainly not blind !!

HOLY SH* T. He picks Madison over little miss temptress Victoria F ?? I’m scandalized. Victoria F was truly at the fantasy suites for one thing and one thing merely illuminated suffocating . Chase Rice, if you’re reading this, I fully expect someone to be slipping into your DMs extremely soon.

Peter’s like “Madison, will you accept this rose? ” and with a view to responding she devotes the world’s longest sigh. Why do I have a feeling Peter will be dissecting that interval AT LENGTH while on the phone with his mother later? Madison is like “I guess I’ll take this rose, fornicator.” HAHA. That was such an enraged “yeah.” I adore it.

Okay, that’s not the exit rendition I visualized Victoria F would grant. She seems very calm and collected. I expected hellfire, or at the least a oral emasculation of Peter. Boooooo.

The Women Tell All

Moving on. This is usually the time during each season when the women are on their very best behavior as they all compete for a recognize on Paradise or The Bachelorette . And by “very best behavior” I make verbally weeping each other limb-by-limb for production’s sick satisfaction. See? Fun! Tonight will be especially entertaining to watch, as this was filmed before the next Bachelorette had been announced, and they found out that their IG spon-con opportunities were going to a woman who is old enough to have actually delivery MyKenna. You love to see it.

Things start off strong when Chris Harrison teases the women for not having a strong grasp of the English language. I don’t think he’s really being fair to them though. You know they can only are talking about hashtags and emojis, Chris!

First up on the chopping block is Alayah. The maidens would still like to roast her hair extensions over an open ignite for brave to bond with them through gossip and Twitter rumors. I’m sorry, but I still don’t understand what she’s done wrong. Gossiping is, like, the underlying foundation of female love. In fact, the one thing that fetches ladies together more than a juicy rumor is an overly-long bathroom line. If you can’t make friends this acces anymore then this world is truly broken.

Chris Harrison becomes “let’s talk about # ChampagneGate and the pa listen’ round the world” and it’s cute that he plagiarize a line immediately from one of my recaps.

CHRIS HARRISON: You know what they say: all’s well that terminates well … up your snout !!

ALL’S WELL THAT Expirations UP YOUR NOSE. I’m sure Mike Fliess wouldn’t appreciate you bringing up cocaine attires on live television. You know that you have to wait for the company Christmas party for that various kinds of talk.

Somehow, Tammy is allotted speaking time, and I genuinely forgot how unhinged she is. You can tell she urgently wants to be seen as the only sane person in the room and it’s not going well for her. She hinders disclaiming things she said about the other contenders despite the fact that make has the receipts and exactly played them for a live studio gathering.

Once again, she starts coming for Kelsey’s emotional stability, and it’s like, of course Kelsey is emotionally unstable! She’s competing with 20+ other women on national television for “members attention” of a serviceman who definitely clears jokes about his cockpit in the bedroom. You’re ALL emotionally precarious!

TAMMY : So, you’re saying you weren’t drunk during that altercation?
KELSEY : I never said I was sober!

^ Things I’ve said to my momma when she questions that one time my phone was stolen in the SoHo Forever2 1 at 11 in the morning. These things simply happen, mother !!

Even though Sydney just watched footage of herself announcing Tammy a psycho, she would like to know why Kelsey is name-calling her. And this is the crux of why I detest Sydney so much. You can’t be a bully AND a martyr.

SYDNEY : Didn’t you call me a stupid f* cking bitch?
KELSEY: First of all, it was crazy f* cking bitch. I would never revile your knowledge like that !!

That’s simply, like, the rules of feminism I suppose.

You can tell the producers had a hard time scripting this fight between Tammy and MyKenna, because at one point the words “you dance like a buffoon” come out of Tammy’s mouth and MyKenna’s merely comeback is “you can meet me on the street of Canada.” Ah, yes. The mean streets of Canada, where you can find healthcare on every corner and parties hustling for $14/ hr minimum wage. Truly terrifying.

Kelsey’s Bachelorette Audition

Kelsey gets called into the hot seat, and she’s the first girl of the nighttime to get any one-on-one time with Chris Harrison. You can tell she was treating this like her Bachelorette audition, because this Kelsey feels very put together and not like the hot mess I know and cherish. Poor girl just wanted ABC to find her a warm body to come home to and now she’s got nothing to go back to except her bottle of Korbel.

CHRIS: What got you crying there? Are you suck again?

Chris! You can’t just ask her that! Chris remains brought forward by # ChampagneGate and how Kelsey feels about go things up her nose and it’s like, Chris, she already said the only pill she pops is Adderall! Lay off !!

Oh look, and there’s Ashley I milking her five more times of glory for all it’s worth. Ashley I is like that troll who lives under a bridge, except instead of paying her money for channel into Bachelor Nation, you need to pay her in what’s left of your dignity.

She tells Kelsey that she’s really happy someone else finally gazes more pathetic and miserable on national television than she did. For her work to our own countries, she gifts her with a bottle of champagne the size of Li’l Sebastian. Dear god.

Victoria F Denies Everything

Chris announces Victoria into the hot seat, and I can’t wait for him to grill the sh* t out of her. She is the beginning by devoting a very passionate speech about how she wishes she give Peter love her the practice he wanted, and I’m starting to think that she also dejections putting that finger up his butt. That probably working well with the married guys, but then again they’re also probably extorted into conformity. Know your audience, Vickie!

Omg Chris Harrison is finally gonna make his paycheck this week with his “to be clear, have you ever broken up a wedlock before” line of questioning. Victoria does an amazing chore of deflecting every single question Chris throws at her. She disclaims fastening up with married husbands, but it’s very vague. What’s most disappointing is that Chris isn’t even TRYING to poke holes in her tale. He literally expected more questions about #ChampagneGate then he has about Victoria’s circumstances.

God, why is he praising her ?? He’s like “you’re so mature, Victoria” and it’s like did YOU sleep with her too, Christopher ?? Are we just going to forget how genuinely frightful this daughter was? I feel like I’m taking crazy capsules!

ABC Actually Get Deep ?

In an unpredictable turn of events, ABC takes a moment to talk about online hate and the trolling of opponents. Former Bachelorette Rachel is welcomed to the stage, where she addresses the questions by actually reading some of the horrifying themes people of color have received after being featured on the appearance. While this feels like a really important conversation to have, and one I’m glad ABC is addressing, to me, there was something off about this display, and it left a sour penchant in my mouth. For one, I didn’t like how flirtatious they were about the questions. Not formerly was the word “racism” delivered on that stage. They prevented saying “online hate” and “trolls” as the camera panned to the women of color. I would have loved to have seen ABC truly take a stand against racism, for them to say “racism won’t be tolerated in Bachelor Nation and those tweets, comments, DMs, are racist, disgusting, and deplorable.” Instead, they straddled the line, and it was disappointing to watch.

It virtually felt like ABC was using this moment to reaffirm that that the dealership isn’t as white-washed as it perfectly is. This is a great start, sure, but let’s not forget there has only ever been one person of complexion as a Bachelor/ Bachelorette guide. And then when that person was the lead-in, they made a white supremacist on her season for better ratings. They placed a sexual piranha on Becca’s season for that very same reason. You can’t say you’re disgusted with all of the detest and the bigotry and then, on the very same stage, have a contestant who has modeled a shirt that says “white lives matter.” They want to be inclusive and diverse when it accommodates their narrative. This is a terrific start to addressing the negative side of Bachelor Nation, but ABC can–and should–do more.

And on that note, that’s all I’ve went, kids! Next week is the two-day finale of Peter’s season and the internet STILL has no idea how it intent. I have this theory that the reason for this is because ABC has been hindering Peter and his future bride series in the bowels of ABC studios so Reality Steve can’t spoil all their fun this season. Guess we’ll have to wait and determine next week!

Images: ABC; Giphy( 4 ); @g_brinkerhoff/ Twitter( 1)

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