Can you guys tell I’m sick of this demonstrate hitherto? Well, tough. I’ll be writing a manifesto on this topic shortly, but it basically boils down to the producers trying to shove a bunch of amazing storylines down our throats. No, Jax hasn’t changed. No, we aren’t are used in TomTom. No, Brittany isn’t some perfect angel who is miraculously free of inaccuracies simply by virtue of being Southern( sorry Britt, if you’re see this ). I speak for me, the person or persons in a Bravo subreddit I speak, and the people who comment on these summaries when I say: HEY BRAVO PRODUCERS. WE’RE SMARTER THAN THIS. I please this display weren’t predetermined as to who is going to have a good season based on the season before “like its” f* cking Calvinism and they’d just let everyone’s actions play out how they played out and give us, the discerning spectators, decide for ourselves who gets atonement and who looks like the asshole.

But whatever. I know I’m precisely screaming into the void here. This week, we seem to skip over the aftermath of Kristen’s party and open up at The Lieu That Shall Not Be Mentioned, where Pandora is help getting this sh* t reveal together. Lisa’s dog, PUFFY, is about as riveted as I am by all this talk about POS organizations, which is to say, the dog is lying face-down on the dirt, asleep.

Sandoval skipped this very important fulfill at the bar of which he is a( 5 %) marriage so he can BUY A MOTORCYCLE. Sandoval somehow has 15 grand to spend on this thing he’s simply going to use once for his has entered into The Region That Shall Not Be Called. I have a series of follow-up memoes. What is this, My Super Sweet Sixteen ?

Ariana starts sh* t with Tom in the most beautiful and yet most passive-aggressive mode: “I adoration how your mind runs. We’re buying a house, you’re starting a business, and yet “youve been” think that wasting 15 splendid on a motorcycle in the midst of all this is a good idea. Lol you’re so random I love you.” This is the exact admonition Annie makes in Workin’ Moms ( a present I exactly started binge-watching on Netflix, highly recommend) leaves on how to insult your husband without him realise it and simultaneously prevail an argument.

Sandoval is like , “but we’re gonna go bulldozers “ “I’ve been thinking about this for like, a year.”

James is DJing at a night club called Public House OHM which is ushered by ladies covered in fake skin corsets and fishnets. It’s a classy and modern home. Immediately, a random wife starts affording one of the triplets a lap dance. Aww, baby’s first lap dance !!

Sandoval : I feel like we need a bachelor-at-arms defendant before TomTom opens.

Sandoval, you guys right now do NOT requirement another excuse to cheat on your significant other !! That’s simply called Saturday for you all !!

It doesn’t seem Kristen will regain so quickly from her fight with Katie and Stassi, because Stassi is deeply and morally piqued that Kristen saged the breath where she was standing to purify it of the bad power.

So the Toms truly do decide to do this fake bachelor party and want to make everyone to Mexico. How is Ariana not throwing a sh* t at them blowing even more money on a imitation excursion for no reason? Schwartz has indicated that he invited James and Katie plucks grade( her terms , not mine) and are an attempt to strong-arm him into un-inviting James. But thank GOD Ariana points out how it’s ludicrous that nobody ever gets mad at Tom Schwartz for anything. He could slaughter a puppy on a LiveStream and we’d be convinced that puppy had it coming, because” it’s Schwartzy !”.

Kristen and Carter go on a time, where it’s is an indication that on the first time, Carter told Kristen she could sleep in his plot and sleep on the lounge, but when she got to his plaza, “there werent” couch.

Ummmm, this sounds little like the start of a love story and more like the start of an escapade of Law& Order: SVU . And now that I think about it, I feel like Carter looks like a child serial executioner. Anyone else?

Kristen : Maybe I’m a monstrous pain in the ass and I need to find someone who doesn’t mind me being a pain in the ass.

Yeah, good luck with that one.

I audibly said “ugh, f* ck you Carter” out loud, when Kristen said “you need to be nice to me” and he essentially said, “whoa whoa whoa, why am I the only person who’s doing anything wrong? What about what you are doing to establish me act mean towards you? ” THROW. THE WHOLE. MAN. AWAY. Introduced him in the dumpster and move on.

Stassi and Schwartz, “the worlds largest” random pairing of all, go to some like, bougie medspa that looks like it was designed by one of Lisa Vanderpump’s puppies to travel wax Schwartz’s chest. Ok but literally, the walls are printed with some Victorian-patterned applique that I found at Bed Bath& Beyond in college and the receptionist’s table/ platform is fake quilted and covered in rhinestones. Anyway, Stassi gets her vagina glinted while realizing some half-brained analogy to Game of Thrones. Did you guys know Stassi watches Game of Thrones ? It induces her so whimsical and interesting! She also likes slaughter!

Actual footage of Schwartz getting his chest waxed:

Yes, it’s low-hanging return, but yes, I had to move the joke.

Oh so what, when James get blackout at work he gets shot, but when Katie fetches a flask and drinks it in the kitchen it’s absolutely fine? Oh, it’s a mustache bottle, which somehow seems super on-brand for Katie given that it was a huge trend back in 2009.

Scheana invites Katie and the girls over for enchiladas and tequila.

Scheana : I exactly want you to check out my new spot. Ha? Get it? Like Adam, but not.

What? Literally nobody was thinking about Adam when you said that. And off Scheana goes into the pit, where she will remain for the rest of the episode, never to be seen or hear from again.

Katie confronts Schwartz about Sandoval inviting James to Mexico. This feels convoluted. Why not only meet Sandoval yourself? Oh claim, because you can’t draw the wife placard with him to get whatever you crave. I signify I do ponder Katie has a part in that James has an issue with literally all the women in this group, so yeah, perhaps he shouldn’t disappear. But still, it’s somber to watch Katie push her husband around, and now I get why Schwartz responds to all conflict with “Bubbaaa, chill. Bubbaaa, please. Ok. Ughhh”* fetal caste *.

Schwartz invites Sandoval out to the alley to tell him to un-invite James. Wait they play back the strips and SCHWARTZ invited James !! How did Sandoval then get stuck with the blamed? I am truly confused. Right at that moment, Ariana comes out and says, “I have a bone to pick with you[ Schwartz ]. I’m really sick of watching my boyfriend be your representative when I know what you say behind closed doors.”

Now Katie comes over. Uh oh.

Sandoval is me, angrily boozing out of a glass outdoors.

Katie’s talking about how she imparted James “so many allowances” and I’m just going to do my best to transcribe the respite. It happens fast, like a gondola crash, or someone fainting on the subway.

Sandoval : We’ve afforded you permits, Katie! You already got him fired.
Katie : He get himself fuelled. Sandoval. YOU SOUND DUMB.[ repeats “you’re a f* cking asshole like a broken record, remembering it sees her sound smart]
Sandoval : Hey guess what, I can say whatever the f* ck I want to anybody. Call them a harlot, call them a piece of sh* t, say their d* ck don’t work, but if somebody announces me fat, I’m getting their ass f* cking fired.

Sandoval, have you been reading my recaps? I’m genuinely impressed.( Yes I know this is filmed behavior before the recaps, calm down, I’m fully aware .)

Katie gathers out the waterworks, and it doesn’t work.

Sandoval : You’re a bully, Katie.
Katie : A what?
Sandoval : a bully.
Katie : A what?
Sandoval : A BULLY !!!

Ricka-ricka-reeeeemixxxxxxxx !!!

Sandoval immediately proceeds ranging to Lisa about the above altercation, who, in opposite Lisa Vanderpump fashion, says she is NOT GETTING INVOLVED and there is an opportunity style this out themselves. Wow, she really is a changed woman.

The next day, Sandoval, with his tail between his legs, tells Schwartz at TomTom that James shouldn’t come. Then they draw straws to figure out who is gonna tell him.

The following date, James shows up to TomTom. This is going to be bad.James tells Lisa that Billie misses James to DJ at SUR during her brunch.

James : I’ve been doing feeling handling, breathing exercises.
Too James :* takes one deep breather* I’m a changed man.

Lisa provisionally tells James he can DJ the brunch with Billie on Saturday at SUR, but we know from the preview that he’s going to nuke this in about 30 seconds. Oh no. It’s a instruct shipwreck from which I cannot look away. James asks to DJ the TomTom party and Lisa says no.

Sandoval takes this moment to be like “now that we’re on the subject, the other darknes, thanks so much for hooking us up with free bottle assistance, but we invited “youve got to” Mexico and the girls were not down with it so you can’t come.”

James : This is f* cking bullsh* t. You guys are assholes.
Lisa : Take a breath.

He is losing it. He announces Schwartz a pussy and then says “f* ck your spouse, bro.” I’m sure he would like to! Is that low-hanging return again?

Schwartz :* whispering* “re saying it” again, say it again, see what happens.

Yeah, I’m sure James is real frightened, bro. Nice try! He calls Schwartz a weasel of a partner, which is the best insult I’ve ever heard since I read a tweet formerly where someone called her husband “a stale ham sandwich of a man.”

Just like that, we watch any the expectations of James’s redemption crumble before our very eyes as he continues to lose his sh* t, mere times after confirming to Lisa that he’s gotten a hold on his anger. I’m beginning to fall back in love with this appearance again, and not just because I have my own imitation sung in my head.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here