Sweets for breakfast, pillow pushes on demand, and no tidy up … what happened when three lineages give the kids call the shots for a week?

‘The house has the airless discombobulation of a student house in the 90 s, the day after a big night out on ecstasy ‘: Decca Aitkenhead

Three hours in, I feel weightless, nearly giddy. I’m lying on the sofa with my boys, chewing chocolate, watching telly, and it is no exaggeration to say that I am having the time of “peoples lives”. For the first time in eight and a half times, I am not in charge. This exotic agitation of loosening is absolutely unfamiliar- and hitherto stimulates a distant storage of who I used to be.

The kids-in-charge experiment began at 1pm, and I can’t believe how well it’s going. In truth I’d been dreading it, braced for carnage, but even further it has been nothing but fun. At 1.01 pm the sons had raced to the bakery and invested PS10 on cakes, before charge on up the road for lunch in McDonald’s. I’m very much enjoying the absence of washing-up, and curious to see what they will eat next.

Jake proposes a trip to the corner shop for provisions. I move along the sidewalk beside him, laughing at his jokes; his mood is unrecognisably ebullient, fizzing with humour, and I tell him he’s on cracking flesh. He halts and turns to me, his speech abruptly earnest.

” But don’t you identify? This is the real me. Your rules oblige me become ,” and he cringes, hunching his shoulders and attracting his wrists together as if cuffed.” But our rules have released the real me ,” and he hop-skip off into the shop.

Jake and Joe’s rules

Decca isn’t allowed to say no
No baths
Hourly meat fight
Unlimited screens
No bedtime
Decca has to play Laser Tag when we want
Unlimited sugareds and crispies and chocolates and fizzy drinks
Decca “re going to have to” disco dance when we want
Email Donald Trump every 10 hours to revile him
We are allowed to get activities on Decca’s phone
Allowed to swear
Unlimited irrigate fights
Worst table manners
No vegetables
Allowed to jump on Decca’s bed, to play on a Wii and to pee-pee on the lavatory seat Sarfraz Manzoor with his wife Bridget and daughter Laila. Photograph: David Vintiner for the Guardian Watch more TV

Have Mummy and Daddy both speak to me at bedtime

No arguing

Daddy not to be addressed by his telephone at dinnertime

Breakfast of Coco Pops

Dinner of fish paws, microchips and peas

Bedtime when I require

Daddy singing chants from Matilda at bedtime

No tidying up Clover with her five children( from left) Dash, Jimmy, Evangeline, Lester and Dolly. Photograph: David Vintiner for the Guardian A heave anywhere, any time Weekly category tournaments darknes

Themed dinner every night- Mexican, Indian, etc

Constant supply of chocolate cereal

We decide bedtime


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