Sweets for breakfast, pillow crusades on expect, and no straighten up … what happened when three houses give the teenagers call the shootings for a week?

‘The house has the airless discombobulation of a student house in the 90 s, the working day after a big night out on ecstasy ‘: Decca Aitkenhead

Three hours in, I feel weightless, virtually giddy. I’m lying on the sofa with my sons, eating chocolate, watching telly, and it is no exaggeration to say that I am having the time of my life. For the first time in eight and a half years, I am not in charge. This exotic whiz of loosening is entirely unfamiliar- and yet stimulates a remote recollection of who I used to be.

The kids-in-charge experiment began at 1pm, and I can’t believe how well it’s going. In truth I’d been dreading it, braced for bloodbath, but so far it has been nothing but fun. At 1.01 pm the sons had hastened to the bakery and invested PS10 on cakes, before charge on up the road for lunch in McDonald’s. I’m very much enjoying the absence of washing-up, and curious to see what they will eat next.

Jake proposes a trip to the corner shop for provisoes. I move along the pavement beside him, laughing at his jokes; his feeling is unrecognisably effervescent, fizzing with witticism, and I tell him he’s on break anatomy. He halts and turns to me, his idiom unexpectedly earnest.

” But don’t you interpret? This is the real me. Your rules establish me go ,” and he winces, hunching his shoulders and gleaning his wrists together as if cuffed.” But our rules have released the real me ,” and he hop-skip off into the shop.

Jake and Joe’s rules

Decca isn’t allowed to say no
No baths
Hourly food fight
Unlimited screens
No bedtime
Decca has to play Laser Tag when we want
Unlimited desserts and crisps and chocolates and fizzy drinks
Decca has to disco dance when we want
Email Donald Trump every 10 hours to insult him
We should be permitted to get competitions on Decca’s phone
Allowed to swear
Unlimited ocean fights
Worst table manners
No vegetables
Allowed to jump on Decca’s bed, to play on a Wii and to urinate on the toilet posterior Sarfraz Manzoor with his wife Bridget and daughter Laila. Photograph: David Vintiner for the Guardian Watch more TV

Have Mummy and Daddy both speak to me at bedtime

No arguing

Daddy not to look at his telephone at dinnertime

Breakfast of Coco Pops

Dinner of fish fingers, chips and peas

Bedtime when I miss

Daddy singing anthems from Matilda at bedtime

No tidying up Clover with her five children( from left) Dash, Jimmy, Evangeline, Lester and Dolly. Photograph: David Vintiner for the Guardian A elevate anywhere, any time Weekly category recreations darknes

Themed dinner every night- Mexican, Indian, etc

Constant supply of chocolate cereal

We decide bedtime

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