The female body. To have one can be terrifying. If your body is fertile, you could become filled with children at any time. If your body is infertile, you will never, ever be happy. But what happens when your body is at the strange middle ground in between?

Having your period be a day late may seem scary, but it doesn’t always mean you are pregnant. If you’d like to consult our automated medical program that specializes in feminine health, please continue!

Great! Thank you for trusting us with all of your current reproductive issues!

Our interactive feminine health program, ESTELLE, is currently being loaded…

Hello, my name is ESTELLE, and I am an automated medical program that specializes in feminine health. I was invented by a now (likely) dead gynecologist specifically to talk to women in times of extreme stress. It is very nice to meet you!

Thank you for using ESTELLE, our automated medical program that specializes in feminine health. You have chosen to exit ESTELLE. Would you be interested in answering a quick customer satisfaction survey before you leave?

Wonderful. All of your answers are totally confidential and will be used to improve your future ESTELLE experiences. So, why do you hate ESTELLE?

Thank you for telling us why you hate ESTELLE. You have now exited ESTELLE. ESTELLE is incredibly happy you visited, and we hope you come back with a pregnancy scare soon.

Goodbye!

Thank you for your feedback. You have now exited ESTELLE. If you are indeed the creator of ESTELLE, please turn yourself in to the police immediately. You are a danger to yourself and your family.

Goodbye.

You have now exited ESTELLE. While there is not enough information to determine whether or not you are pregnant, judging by your unwillingness to answer the customer satisfaction survey, ESTELLE sincerely hopes that you are brimming with children.

Goodbye.

I am a female resource specialist, which means that I am exactly like IBM’s Watson, except that the only information that has been loaded into me has been pulled from tampon boxes and medical pamphlets women have thrown out of their moving cars.

My only purpose is to talk to women and help them find out whether or not they are pregnant. Are you worried that you are pregnant because your period is a day late?

I understand! You have indicated that your period is a day late, but do not worry! There are many services that I would be happy to provide for you. Please glance through my MENU and select the option that would help you most during this stressful time.

What would you like to do?

You have returned to the MAIN MENU! There are many services that I would be happy to provide for you. Please select the option that you feel will help you most during this stressful time.

You have arrived at the MAIN MENU! There are many services that I would be happy to provide for you if you are looking to resolve a pregnancy scare! Please select the option that you feel will help you most during this stressful time.

Excellent. You have elected to take this highly accurate virtual pregnancy test with me, ESTELLE. I have been loaded with the most accurate and readily available information about pregnancy by my (likely) dead creator. This is great news!

In order to take this test, I require you to answer a series of personal questions. Your answers to these questions will be stored on the server for a limited amount of time, but rest assured that they will not be used in any way other than to publicly shame you for your wild and inappropriate sexual promiscuity in the near future.

Do you wish to continue?

Thank you for accepting our mandatory terms and conditions. We already know that your period is a day late, so that information should be leaked as soon as you click to the next page!

To determine whether you are pregnant, I first need to ask you about your current level of sexual activity. So, are you sexually active?

Excellent. You have indicated that you are not sexually active! That is very good, and according to over 85 percent of ob-gyns, that is exactly what the Lord would want!

Unfortunately, though, many things that are not traditionally considered sex are still technically intercourse. Just to be totally sure, please let me know if you have done any of the following:

Great! Thank you for your honesty. Just because you’ve engaged in light sexual activity recently does not mean you are necessarily pregnant.

Next, ESTELLE will ask you about birth control, medicine’s way of tricking your mind and body into thinking sex is safe! Which of the following birth control methods do you use?

Excellent. You have indicated that you are sexually active! ESTELLE will now determine whether or not your sexual activity is responsible for your period being a day late. In order to do this, ESTELLE must ask the following question: Are you currently sexually active with this man?

Okay. You have indicated that you are sexually active with this man! Great choice! Unfortunately, that man has something called “supersperm,” which means he has sperm that are the size of tadpoles and are strong enough to swim upstream in a river. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you are pregnant!

Next, ESTELLE will ask you about birth control, medicine’s way of tricking your mind and body into thinking sex is safe! Which of the following birth control methods do you use?

Okay. You have indicated that you are not sexually active with the first man ESTELLE provided! ESTELLE understands! In that case, ESTELLE must ask the following question: if you are not sexually active with the previous man, are you instead sexually active with this man?

Okay. You have indicated that you are sexually active with this man! Great choice! Unfortunately, that man holds the Guinness World Record for “most fertile,” and he has conceived a child with every woman he has ever touched. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you are pregnant!

Next, ESTELLE will ask you about birth control, medicine’s way of tricking your mind and body into thinking sex is safe! Which of the following birth control methods do you use?

Thank you for your feedback! You have indicated that you are not sexually active with either the first or the second man ESTELLE provided! ESTELLE understands! Instead, ESTELLE will ask you a different question entirely: Despite your previous answers, are you currently sexually active with this man?

Okay. You have indicated that you are sexually active with this man! Great choice! This is ESTELLE’s estranged (and possibly dead) inventor. If you are indeed pregnant, it’s important we find out now.

Next, ESTELLE will ask you about birth control, medicine’s way of tricking your mind and body into thinking sex is safe! Which of the following birth control methods do you use?

Interesting! It seems that you are not currently sexually active with any of the men who ESTELLE knows. But don’t worry; you do not have to lie to ESTELLE. ESTELLE understands that you are not sexually active, and she will not release this information to anyone who is not your employer or your closest friends and family!

Next, ESTELLE will ask you about birth control, medicine’s way of tricking your mind and body into thinking sex is safe! Which of the following birth control methods do you use?

Excellent choice. ESTELLE is pleased to hear that you are using contraceptives! Unfortunately, though, no matter what birth control method you use, nothing is 100 percent effective.

Are you experiencing any of the following symptoms?

Your symptoms have been recorded. Now that you have answered this series of very important questions, ESTELLE has only one more! Have you tried taking an at-home pregnancy test?

Wonderful. ESTELLE is pleased to hear this! In that case, which of the following messages did your at-home pregnancy test scream after you peed on it?

Wonderful! Thank you for answering every one of ESTELLE’s questions regarding your late period. The ESTELLE system has compiled your answers and has a prediction as to whether or not you are pregnant. Would you like to see your results?

ESTELLE has determined that you are pregnant!

Congratulations! Your period is late, and ESTELLE has deduced from your irresponsible behavior that you are currently with child. If this is not the answer you wanted, please go back and restart ESTELLE from the beginning. Also, please note that an email has already been sent out to all of your contacts notifying them of this wonderful news!

Thank you for using ESTELLE!

Wonderful! Thank you for answering every one of ESTELLE’s questions regarding your late period. The ESTELLE system has compiled your answers and has a prediction as to whether or not you are pregnant. Would you like to see your results?

ESTELLE has determined that you are NOT pregnant!

Congratulations! Your period may be late, but ESTELLE has deduced that you are barren, so your irresponsible behavior will have no real negative impact on your life. If this is not the answer you wanted, please go back and restart ESTELLE from the beginning. Also, please note that an email has already been sent out to all of your contacts notifying them of this wonderful news!

Thank you for using ESTELLE!

Wonderful! Thank you for answering every one of ESTELLE’s questions regarding your late period. The ESTELLE system has compiled your answers and has a prediction as to whether or not you are pregnant. Would you like to see your results?

ERROR: We’re sorry! ESTELLE was unable to determine whether or not you are pregnant!

If you have been redirected to this error page, it is because your female body is simply too unpredictable to analyze, and you will need to take an in-person pregnancy test. To do so, please send a 150 ml sample of your urine to the address below:

201 E Jefferson St.
Phoenix, AZ 85004

You will receive results within a week’s time. Thank you for using ESTELLE!

Wonderful! Thank you for answering every one of ESTELLE’s questions regarding your late period. The ESTELLE system has compiled your answers and has a prediction as to whether or not you are pregnant. Would you like to see your results?

ERROR: ESTELLE was unable to determine whether or not you are pregnant because, according to your answers, the creator of ESTELLE is still alive. Please keep your wits about you and alert the authorities as soon as possible. If this is not the answer you wanted, please go back and restart ESTELLE from the beginning. Thank you for using ESTELLE!

ESTELLE understands! That is great news! You have selected that you are not worried about pregnancy and that your period is not a day late. In that case, why are you worried today?

ERROR: ESTELLE does not currently have the resources to help you with this problem. ESTELLE is only programmed to deal with women who are panicking because their bodies are malfunctioning in a way that could indicate that they are pregnant. Women whose periods are on time are advised not to use this tool.

If you wish to consult ESTELLE about a potential pregnancy scare, please continue to the MAIN MENU.

ERROR: ESTELLE does not currently have the resources to help you with this problem. ESTELLE is only programmed to deal with women who are panicking because their bodies are malfunctioning in a way that could indicate that they are pregnant. Women who are looking to become pregnant are advised not to use this tool.

If you wish to consult ESTELLE about a potential pregnancy scare, please continue to the MAIN MENU.

ERROR: You have indicated that the creator of ESTELLE is alive and en route to your current location. Women in this situation are advised to close out of ESTELLE and call the police as soon as possible. While ESTELLE cannot provide the resources needed to finally capture her creator, law enforcement can. Goodbye!

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