Sweets for breakfast, pillow opposes on necessitate, and no straighten up … what happened when three categories tell the kids call the hits for a few weeks?

‘The house has the airless discombobulation of a student house in the 90 s, the day after a big night out on ecstasy ‘: Decca Aitkenhead

Three hours in, I feel weightless, nearly giddy. I’m lying on the sofa with my sons, ingesting chocolate, watching telly, and it is no exaggeration to say that I am having the time of my life. For the first time in eight and a half years, I am not in charge. This exotic hotshot of loosening is absolutely unfamiliar- and yet stirs a remote recollection of who I used to be.

The kids-in-charge experiment began at 1pm, and I can’t believe how well it’s going. In truth I’d been dreading it, braced for carnage, but even further it has been nothing but fun. At 1.01 pm the sons had hastened to the bakery and invested PS10 on patties, before bill on up the road for lunch in McDonald’s. I’m very much enjoying the absence of washing-up, and curious to see what they will eat next.

Jake proposes a trip to the corner shop for funds. I float along the sidewalk beside him, laughing at his jokes; his mood is unrecognisably ebullient, fizzing with humour, and I tell him he’s on cracking form. He halts and turns to me, his face suddenly earnest.

” But don’t you attend? This is the real me. Your rules make me lead ,” and he contracts, hunching his shoulders and reaping his wrists together as if cuffed.” But our rules have loosed the real me ,” and he bounces off into the shop.

Jake and Joe’s rules

Decca isn’t allowed to say no
No baths
Hourly nutrient fight
Unlimited screens
No bedtime
Decca has to play Laser Tag when we want
Unlimited desserts and crisps and chocolates and fizzy drinks
Decca “re going to have to” disco dance when we want
Email Donald Trump every 10 hours to insult him
We are allowed to get tournaments on Decca’s phone
Allowed to swear
Unlimited irrigate fights
Worst table manners
No vegetables
Allowed to jump on Decca’s bed, to play on a Wii and to urinate on the lavatory bench Sarfraz Manzoor with his wife Bridget and daughter Laila. Photograph: David Vintiner for the Guardian Watch more TV

Have Mummy and Daddy both speak to me at bedtime

No arguing

Daddy not to look at his telephone at dinnertime

Breakfast of Coco Pops

Dinner of fish digits, chippings and peas

Bedtime when I require

Daddy singing chants from Matilda at bedtime

No tidying up Clover with her five children( from left) Dash, Jimmy, Evangeline, Lester and Dolly. Photograph: David Vintiner for the Guardian A elevate anywhere, any time Weekly category competitions night

Themed dinner every night- Mexican, Indian, etc

Constant supply of chocolate cereal

We decide bedtime

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