I grieve for the family revels I may miss, proliferating older with my husband, having grandchildren

There are daytimes when Im full of temper and sadness, and other moments when I acknowledge the miracle of life. Every gesticulate, ballad or gossip now carries a deeper meaning. The ferocity of hugging my husband and daughters is often insufferable, and I sorrow every day for their own lives that cancer took away from me.

Stage four cancer suctions optimism, hope and eventually even sigh. Its like being in a very slow but inevitable fatal vehicle gate-crash that you replay in your head over and over. At first, “youre just trying to” navigate yourself through oncology terminology, therapies, diagnosis, scans, but later you realise “were not receiving” safety harness or steering wheel to hold on to. I have incredible supporting and adoration, but I often feel very alone in my thoughts and experiences. I cant relate to others who have the privilege of good health or the power to improve their situations.

In 16 months, my formerly healthy lungs have stopped acting efficiently. I am reliant on an oxygen machine and drugs. I feel the harmful consequences of airborne pollutants, and get angry watching beings drag on cigarettes, as my life is ebbing away and is likely to vanish soon in a puffed of fume. My breath is choked and even talking requires exertion. I have a ominous cough that prompts people of my condition.

I grieve for their own families celebrations I may miss, thriving older with my husband, having grandchildren, congregating my daughters marriages. I wait for examines to tell me how close I am to the edge, and every moment is filled with urgency to ended exercises while I am able. Ive visited my burial site, rewritten my will, and written letters to loved ones. I am prepared for my terminate, but no one can take away my former happiness.

Tell us what youre really remembering at mind @theguardian. com


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here