I grieve for the family revelries I may miss, developing older with my husband, having grandchildren

There are periods when Im full of rage and sadness, and other times when I acknowledge the miracle of life. Every gesticulate, anthem or communication now carries a deeper sense. The ferocity of hugging my husband and daughters is often unbearable, and I sorrow every day for the life that cancer took away from me.

Stage four cancer suctions confidence, hope and eventually even breath. Its like is available on a very slow but inevitable lethal car gate-crash that you replay in your intellect over and over. At first, “youre just trying to” navigate yourself through oncology vocabulary, treatments, diagnosis, examines, but eventually you realise there is no safety belt or steering wheel to hold on to. I have incredible foundation and desire, but I often feel very alone in my thoughts and know-hows. I cant be attributed to others who have special privileges of good health or the power to improve their situations.

In 16 months, my formerly healthy lungs have stopped running efficiently. I am reliant on an oxygen machine and drugs. I find the harmful effects of airborne pollutants, and get angry watching beings drag on cigarettes, as my life is ebbing away and might very well vanish soon in a whiff of inhale. My sigh is tightened and even talking requires effort. I have a sinister coughing that reminds people of my condition.

I grieve for their own families celebrations I may miss, germinating older with my husband, having grandchildren, filling two daughters partners. I wait for checks to tell me how close I am to the edge, and every moment is filled with urgency to terminated exercises while I am able. Ive inspected my burial site, rewritten my will, and written a letter addressed to loved ones. I am prepared for my dissolve, but no one can take away my former happiness.

Tell us what youre actually remembering at mind @theguardian. com


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