I grieve for the family celebrations I may miss, ripening older with my husband, having grandchildren

There are days when Im full of feeling and sadness, and other instants when I acknowledge the miracle of life. Every gesture, ballad or communication now carries a deeper mean. The ferocity of hugging my husband and daughters is often insufferable, and I grieve every day for the life that cancer took away from me.

Stage four cancer sucks optimism, hope and eventually even breather. Its like being in a very slow but inescapable lethal car accident that you replay in your mind over and over. At first, “youre just trying to” navigate yourself through oncology idiom, managements, diagnosis, searches, but later you realise there is no way safety belt or steering wheel to hold on to. I have incredible funding and adore, but I often feel very alone in my thoughts and knowledge. I cant be addressed to others who have special privileges of good health or the power to improve their situations.

In 16 months, my formerly healthy lungs have stopped toiling efficiently. I am reliant on an oxygen machine and drugs. I feel the harmful effects of air pollution, and get angry watching beings drag on cigarettes, as my life is declining away and is willing to vanish soon in a gulp of cigarette. My breather is tightened and even talking necessary struggle. I have a ominous coughing that reminds parties of my condition.

I grieve for their own families observances I may miss, germinating older with my husband, having grandchildren, matching my daughters collaborators. I wait for scans to tell me how close I am to the edge, and every moment is filled with urgency to terminated undertakings while I am able. Ive called my burial site, rewritten my will, and written letters to loved ones. I am prepared for my purpose, but no one can take away my former happiness.

Tell us what youre truly belief at mind @theguardian. com

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